Why a mother may hate their child

Astory was published recently about a disabled 15-year-old boy who attempted suicide and was rescued by police. It was reported that the cause of the attempted suicide was extreme cruelty at the hands of his mother. His father also confirmed that the problem was caused by brutal treatment from his mother since he was a child.
The 2014 Uganda Police Force Annual Crime and Traffic Road Safety Report registered, at least, 1,332 cases of child torture and other forms of child abuse. Of these, 755 were victims of their mothers’ brutality. Mothers have been reported to burn, scald, starve and subject their children to all sorts of depravities, for stealing or misplacing money, eating food without permission, or asking a challenging or embarrassing question, among other frivolities.

The ideal vs the reality
“I expect my mother to jump to my defence even when everyone is against me. It would feel bad to be hated by my mother. Where would I run to?” says Marion Kasekende, a student at Makerere Business School (MUBS), echoing the ideal expectations of a child towards its.
According to Hilder Bahati, a counsellor and psychologist at Namirembe Cathedral, mothers who are cruel to their children have most likely suffered trauma themselves. Sometimes, they channel emotions from bad marriages, traumatising family backgrounds, such as, stepfamilies among others.
Felister Margaret Nakanwagi, a mother of three, says, “Complications during pregnancy or childbirth could result in dislike or resentment towards the child.” She reveals that for a while she frowned upon her second born because she was sickly throughout her pregnancy.
Another mother, Mabel Twinomugisha, confesses to having battled ill feelings towards her daughter for similar reasons. “I sought help from a counsellor because I was shouting at my daughter too much and I felt like I was making her insecure. I did not mean to do it. I just found myself doing it.”

Demystifying the complex
“The way a mother raises their children is dependent on the mother’s own upbringing. Those that had a brutal childhood are most likely to be a hell-on-earth to their own children,” says Bahati. She says most mothers have extreme personalities, or unknowingly suffer from bipolar disorder. “Bipolar has become common today. A person is happy one moment their mood swings to the far extreme the next and they will just say, “Yes, that is me!” If it is a mother, the children will fall prey to the effects of the disorder.”
Shafic Bagaga, a physiologist, family and human relations counsellor in Nakaseke, says, it is very possible for mothers to transfer the anger they feel towards their husbands to the children. “When there are quarrels between the husband and the wife, the mother will descend onto the children and torment them as pay back,” says Bagaga.
Bahati adds that extreme poverty is the reason why most children suffer in their homes. Where a mother would forgive their child for flashing a Shs10,000 bank note down the drain, in the situation of poverty prevailing in Uganda today, a child will go hungry for days or have all her fingers burnt for taking Shs200 to buy Cool-Cool-Bar or cold water from a retail store.

The effects on children

Counsellors have highlighted the long and short term effects of child torture and they include;

Short term
•Behavioural change. Children will become withdrawn from their parents and may become introverted. Some actually become brutal towards their friends. Because they are exposed to torture and violence they go on the defensive.
•Restlessness and constant fear since they will always think they will be punished for something they have done. Some childen develop insomnia.
•Loss of appetite for food cooked by their mothers but they can eat what the neighbour has cooked.
•Interrupted education. Most children become slow learners in class.

Long term
•Post traumatic stress disorders.
•Nervousness which will eventually develop into memory loss.
•Depression and anxiety.
•Distaste for immediate relative who did not defend during the torture.
•They will most likely treat their own childen the same way.

Tips for changing your reactions

•Learn what is age-appropriate and what is not. Have realistic expectations of your child.
•Develop new parenting skills. Start by learning appropriate discipline techniques and how to set clear boundaries for your children. Parenting classes, books, and seminars are a way of gettting this information. You can also turn to other parents for tips and advice.
•Take care of yourself. If you are not getting enough rest and support or you are feeling overwhelmed, you are much more likely to succumb to anger.
•Get professional help. Breaking the cycle of abuse can be very difficult if the patterns are strongly entrenched.
•Learn how you can get your emotions under control. The first step to getting your emotions under control is realise that they actually exist and can control your life.