Death of a child: Three mothers share their experiences of dealing with the grief

For one, her little girl was her only child, the other, the 24-year-old, though a Member of Parliament, was, to her, just a child with whom she was very close. And for another mother, her son, at just 17, left unfulfilled dreams for her to ponder. They all share their stories and how they have coped with their losses.

My worst moments are usually when people who do not know that he passed on ask me how he is. When I am asked such a question, I usually get hurt all over again and eventually cry. Some people think that the pain lessens as time passes by but it does not. It is still there like a fresh wound. It is as if he left me yesterday. There are times I even just start crying out of nowhere but when this happens, I usually go lock myself in the bedroom.

The reason why I do this is because I do not like my children seeing me in such a state. I am so grateful to God that I at least have three other children who have continuously strengthened me with all sorts of inspirational messages. For example, they often tell me, “Mummy, Daniel is in a better place and God is looking after him.” Such words are always comforting to me, especially when I am feeling low.

The other person who has been very helpful, is my neighbour. She often comes over to my house, not only to check on how I’m doing, but to also pray with me. Reading the Bible constantly has also helped me cope with the situation. Those have been my daily source of inspiration and strength to date.

As much as it has been two years ever since Daniel’s departure, the memory is still fresh. It is as if he died yesterday. I miss my son a lot and sometimes, I just do not know what to do about it. The pain of losing Daniel will never go away.

You need support to overcome tragedy
According to Dr Jane Nakiggude, a senior clinical psychologist at Mulago hospital, getting over the loss of a child is not easy and one requires a strong foundation and support to overcome tragedy.

• She adds that it is important to get support from several people even if you are not particularly comfortable with talking about the loss. This may be from friends or family, religious leaders, support groups or even a professional like a therapist or grief counsellor.

• The doctor says it is important to take care of oneself as grief is draining not just emotionally, but also physically.

• Face it head on and accept your feelings and try not to avoid or suppress them. Try as much as possible tooutwardly express whatever you are feeling rather than bottling it all up, which may spell disaster in the long run.

• Nakiggude prescribes physical wellbeing through adquate rest/sleeping, eating, exercising and avoiding the illicit use of drugs and alcohol regardless of the temptation.

• “Grief is a personal experience so it should be done on your terms and in your unique way. Cry, get angry, laugh...wahtever,” adds the doctor. Research has also shown that expressing one’s feelings in a creative way like a journal or photo album may help dampen the magnitude of the loss.

• It is also important to plan ahead for grief triggers like holidays, anniversaries or even milestones, which mainly involve preparing yourself for the overwhelming emotions you will most likely feel during these periods when your loved one will be evidently missing.

• Grief is an expected state after loss but when it starts to disrupt your daily routine and affect your other relationships then this becomes what is called complicated grief .At this point a person may require to see a professional to work through their loss.

fullwoman@ug.nationmedia.com