I cannot sleep. It is about an encounter I had earlier today. I met an ex and normally that would not cause me to lose sleep. It is the news he blurted out almost immediately after greeting me. That he is getting married soon.
It is almost as if he was gloating when he was saying it. “I have a wedding in October,” is what this man, who at one point in my life I wanted to marry so badly it completely destroyed me when he started seeing someone else, said. I do not remember fantasising about marrying anyone else since then, or carrying and raising his children. True, I have loved, but I have never seriously thought about spending my life with another man since him. He basically ruined me for other men.
And here he was telling me that as much as he claimed my refusal to forgive him also broke his heart, here he was telling me in a supermarket aisle that he is getting married.
I managed to congratulate him and even got even by asking whether the bride was Livy, the girl he cheated on me with and dated after me. “No, she got pregnant and went on to marry the father of her baby,” he said his voice catching and eyes downcast. It was satisfying to know my tearful curses that he is never happy with her and that she breaks his heart a thousand times more that he broke mine worked. I left the supermarket feeling smug.
But that was not it for my traitor heart apparently. It has decided to dig up all those days I spent with him. The good times and the very good times. What could have been and of course why it was not. Some of that old hate that drove me crazy and forced me to listen to Gloria Gaynor’s I will survive a zillion times a day is back.
As far as wishes go, I still hope he is never happy. I hope he is stuck in an unhappy marriage and while he is at it, he can remember how happy we were, how happy and at peace he was with me. I he sheds bitter tears at the memory.
I know he has been trying to reach me, I just did not know why. He says he wanted to invite me for the wedding. I smiled politely and accepted the invite, I even feigned some excitement.
But deep down I know I cannot attend that ceremony. I cannot pretend I am happy for him. I still want to drive a stake through his heart. I truly do not wish him happiness, why should I when he interfered so much with mine? Here is my toast to you dear ex, I hope you are never happy!