Making it work with his ‘Baby Mama’

Even when you embrace his children like they are your own, often, you will find yourself dealing with the mother of your husband’s children or child, one way or the other.
When Grace Wanyoto, a 30-year-old teacher decided to say yes to her husband’s proposal for marriage, she knew what she was signing up for, or so she thought. That he had been married before with two children is something Conrad had made known to her earlier in their relationship. And although it was not the most ideal situation, Wanyoto had found solace in the fact that he was legally divorced and ready to move on from his first marriage. However, a few months into her marriage, the baby mama, Suzab, became an issue.

The fights
“It all started with her demanding that we let her visit her children who are staying with us,” she narrates. Keen on making this as easy on her husband as she could, Wanyoto allowed Suzan to visit the boys. But after their mother’s visits, she noticed the children became obstinate and hostile towards her, so, she decided to cut back on Suzan’s visits to her home.
This did not sit well with Suzan. She confronted them one Sunday morning and created a scene at their home, hitting the gate and yelling on top of her voice for access to the premises.
In a bid to find a solution, her husband decided to take the children to boarding school where their mother could visit them without inconveniencing anyone.

When hubby won’t help
Jovia Kobusingye, 28-year-old mother of two was not as fortunate to have her husband’s support who seemed to have an innate fear of his ex-wife and mother of his first child.
“My husband’s baby mama would storm my home without prior notice,” she reveals. “She would make subtle annoying comments about my home. For instance, she would ask the maid why there was cobweb in a particular corner, and then wonder out loudly how a woman can be so bad at keeping house.”
Her husband did not want to intervene; “He told me she could not be barred from coming to see her son!” The option to have her child live with her was not an option either as it resulted in late phone calls beckoning her husband for emergencies in the middle of the night. Kobusingye has made peace with the fact that his baby mama will continue to be a thorn in her flesh for as long as she remains married to her husband.

Counsellor’s tips
Even when many young women don’t wish it, getting married to men with children from previous relationships is becoming more common.
This, as Sandra Amujal, a counsellor at Healing Talk Centre, a counselling firm in Jinja explains, is due to the fact that many men are putting off marriage longer than before and opting for casual relationships from which they end up getting children even when they are not willing to settle down with the women involved.
“It is almost becoming status quo, that by the time they are 30, which is when most men are ready for marriage, they would have sired a child somewhere,” she explains. It, therefore, goes without saying that the baby mama is someone that many women may find themselves forced to contend with. However, this does not always have to be dramatic, and Amujal gives a few pointers to enable one make it work.

1. Acknowledge her
If you acknowledge her, you will be okay with her seeing her child if he lives with you, you will understand when you see her number appearing in your husband’s call records because there is a good reason for the two to be communicating - the child. This way, you will not lose your mind when you hear your husband talking to her on phone.
She is and will always remain an integral part of your husband’s life. Understand that and acknowledge her irrespective of your feelings and you are more likely to deal with her more objectively, which will go a long way in averting any likely dramatic episodes.
2. Ignore her
The truth is that the baby mama will never believe that you are a good stand-in. It doesn’t matter whether you are a darling to her child and a Godsend to the husband. Your existence alone points to a bitter truth in her life - that he found you a better partner than her.
No woman will be happy about that. As such, she may speak ill of you, despise you and practically try to shed your self-esteem to shreds. Always remember there is a good reason you are with him and she in his past. Give it all a deaf ear and focus on what is important, which is your marriage and creating a good relationship with her child.

3. Treat her with courtesy
You may disagree with some of the things she does often including disciplining her child. However, it is wise that you don’t try to overstep your mandate and ‘advise’ her on how she could improve. Address your concerns to the father who should take it on himself.
No woman wants to be taught how to be a mother to her child. Staying in your lane will help you avoid ruffling feathers with her.

4. Don’t get involved
If there is bad blood between hubby and his baby mama, the wise thing for you to do is to keep out of it altogether. He may say all those negative things about her but in most cases, he still has a soft spot for her. Stay out of it. It is his battle.