My long struggle to have a baby

When Catherine Ageno got married to her childhood sweetheart in 2002 in a traditional wedding, she envisaged paradise. It was all bliss until a year elapsed without her conceiving. “My husband became cold and cruel. We hardly spoke. At one time, we spent six months without talking to each other,” she narrates.
The couple that lived with a relative used to go through the relative or write a note to communicate to one another.
The pressure from her in-laws was also intense. Her in-laws alleged that she was just a professional educated woman who did not want to ruin her career and figure with childbearing.

The pressure from relatives made her husband’s character worse. At one time, she returned from work at 10pm and found she had been locked out. “My sister in-law had visited and I suspect she had convinced him I was worthless. I knocked and nobody opened for me till 5am,” she painfully recounts.
Since she suffers from sinusitis, the cold night on the verandah affected her and yet she had to go to work the following day.

Going for medical check-ups
Having waited for nature to take its course to no avail, the couple embarked on medical consultations. Medical tests revealed that they were both fine and indeed Ageno soon conceived her first baby but alas! She lost it towards the end of the first trimester.
Unfortunately, her husband had sired a child from a previous relationship so it felt obvious that it was her problem that she was not having a baby.
Whereas the husband accompanied her to the initial medical visits, he soon got tired. “He went from accompanying me irregularly to staying outside the doctor’s room and finally not accompanying me at all,” she narrates.

This left Ageno footing the medical bills on her own. Her mid-level journalist’s salary was never enough which left her broke most of the time yet it still did not cover the medical bills.
At one point, she recalls depositing all her salary with the doctor and promising to pay the balance at the end of the following month.

Confiding in her mother
When she could not take the frustration anymore, she confided in her mum. “I had lost so muchweight that my mum suspected I was living positively (with HIV) and often begged me to open up,” she narrates.
On why she did not confide in her mother or any other trusted friend or relative, she said she had been told that a woman is supposed to be strong and she presumed that perhaps this was her first test of the strength of a married woman.

The last stroke
As agreed, the next time she conceived, she told her mum and together they devised means to ensure the baby lives but she also lost it.
“The doctor who suspected that the cervix was weak had stitched it and indeed the baby stayed inside but for only four months,” she recalls.
The miscarriage happened at work hence many of her workmates noticed. This was her fourth miscarriage and she could not take it anymore as she had tried everything possible.
Unlike the first three pregnancies where people hardly noticed, many had seen this and afterwards often asked after the baby. This reminder of her ordeal was painful to say the least.

The other sad part is that her husband and some of the in-laws accused her of intentionally aborting the babies. “Even if we had not been talking, my husband told me that he thought I aborted it this time and I just did not want to give him a baby,” she says.
Twice, she contemplated suicide because she felt worthless and her husband had made her believe that she was nothing without him.
After the fourth attempt, she lost hope and gave up trying. This was two years into marriage and the pressure to have a child had robbed her of her joy and money.

Meanwhile, the cold war between her and her husband continued. One day, he travelled for two days and on return asked her why she was still in his house as if she did not realise he could not stand her. She promised that when she deemed it right, she would leave and for good.
“Sometimes we force ourselves in places we do not belong and God disagrees but we insist,” she states.

Separation
Indeed, one day, she packed and left. “I left with only my clothes and started from scratch.
During the marital woes, she often confided in a male friend who encouraged her so when she separated with her husband, she often hang out with this friend.
A year down the road, they became lovebirds and soon, she got pregnant for him. The news was joy to her partner but a mixture of feelings for her. Like the four pregnancies before it, she knew that she would miscarry it and so did not bother visiting any hospital for antenatal care. Apart from the father of the baby, she did not tell anybody because she did not want to raise their hopes. They would later find out when she was going into theatre to be delivered of the baby.

Finally getting a baby
Her first antenatal visit was at six months at Nsambya hospital. Whereas the nurses scolded Ageno for the delay in starting antenatal care, Dr Pius Akong, the gynaecologist listened to her story and immediately accorded her special treatment as a high-risk patient.
Like the first parts of the pregnancy, she did not have any complications until the final stages when her blood pressure shot up and the amniotic fluid dried up. She had to be rushed for an emergency C-Section. The operation was a success and she finally had a baby boy who will soon be 12 years old.

She has not been able to conceive since she got him but she says it does not bother her because she has tested the love and joy of motherhood.
“Sometimes some people compare me to mothers who have had one child but I tell them that God forbid that but if ever it is His plan, at least I have felt the love and joy of motherhood,” she says.
To those in similar circumstances, she counsels that men always blame it on women but you should always know that you do not have control.
She advises that, “If a door closes, do not cling on it, you cannot get anything else when your hands are full. Until I let go, I could not get anything.”

Bina Baibe’s struggle to get a child
“My name is Robina Mulerwa Mbabazi commonly known as Bina Baibe. Some corporate women have not been able to have children and we are often accused of intentionally refusing to conceive.
My journey to have a child has been a tough one. In 2010, I felt a lump in my stomach. Since I was in a relationship, I suspected I was pregnant but decided to go for a medical check-up first.
Far from being pregnant, I was developing fibroids and the doctor recommended an operation but I did not heed. I was scared because of the myths that surround operations.

People I confided in recommended different people. First, I went to a man in Naguru who would press something hot on my tummy thrice a week. He did this for a month and I paid Shs20,000 per visit. When I went for a scan, the fibroids were still there.
I decided to change strategy and someone recommended a herbalist through a corporate young woman who had fibroids but had been able to conceive. When I called her, she was in a hospital going to give birth and asked me to call after five days. The days felt like years. I was dehydrated and desperate. She recommended that I keep taking bean soup and mango leaf juice.

When I finally met the herbalist, she gave me herbs that gave me a running stomach. This gave me false hope that the fibroids were coming out. I took this medicine for a whole year but there was no improvement. Unfortunately, I had lied to the herbalist that I lived with my man yet we lived separately and only met occasionally.
When I went for a medical check-up, the fibroids had grown outside the uterus. I looked like I was five months pregnant. Then, love-making was getting more painful so I had to tell my boyfriend the truth. I showed him the scan.

The gynaecologist
I was then recommended to a gynaecologist in Ntinda. He used to charge me Shs50,000 per visit and would use his hand to perform a pelvic examination. The first time he checked me, I was disgusted and went back crying but my boyfriend comforted me that it was just a test.
The weekly tests went on until one day when he told me that I was ovulating and ready to conceive. He said if I did not have sex immediately, I should not come back. I called my boyfriend and informed him. He obliged but two weeks later, I saw my worst enemy. My periods came! People get excited about periods but when you are trying to conceive, periods are your worst nightmare.
When I did not conceive, the doctor told me to ask my boyfriend to come in for a test too. However, he told me that on his part, he was fine since he already had a child.
With time, I got fed up of trying and the relationship broke up under unclear circumstances. He reminded me of my troubles and I had to leave him.

It was then that I realised that all my efforts had been in vain. All along I had been trying to excite my eggs but had failed to conceive and the fibroids were getting bigger. I would eat lots of simsim, and follow all the recommended positions of love making. Over time, it turned from lovemaking into a mission to get a child.
I was equally frustrated but my mum often comforted and encouraged me.

Having an operation
After realising that I had no option but to be operated, I went to International Hospital Kampala (IHK) and asked to be scheduled for an operation. Unfortunately, I had low blood count. So, I could not be operated on immediately.
Fibroids suck up blood so I was failing to raise the necessary number of litres of blood needed for an operation. Fibroids make you yearn for ice so I would sit with a big ice bucket every evening while watching a movie.
When I felt that I could not take it anymore, I asked the doctor to operate me when I had one litre less. I was skeptical about making it out alive but I did not have any other option.

Before the operation, I gave my mum all the cash cards in case I lost my life and she needed money to clear the bills.
Fortunately, the operation was successful but the wound took longer to heal perhaps because of the many herbs I had taken. It eventually healed and I was given another four years to try. I have not tried because I do not feel ready to go through the hustle.

Other options
Recently, I considered adoption but I decided not to because it will not be the same.
I have also discussed the option of using a sperm donor but the mystery of bearing a child whose father I do not know felt wrong.
I have not dated for four years. I am scared because, truth be told, there is hope for people who have miscarried but it seems not for Bina!
I have resigned myself to appreciating the other things God has done in my life and put everything in his hands.”

Bina Baibe’s struggle
Some corporate women have not been able to have children and we are often accused of intentionally refusing to conceive... I have not dated for four years. I am scared because, truth be told, there is hope for people who have miscarried but it seems, not for Bina! I have resigned to appreciating the other things God has done in my life and put everything in his hands.
Robina Mulerwa Mbabazi commonly known as Bina Baibe