The struggle to survive after my husband’s death

When Rose Mary Mirembe Lukholo lost the father of her two children in 1990, she was devastated.
She didn’t know where to start from and how to take over the home. “We were renting but I had never paid rent or for utilities and yet here I was supposed to manage all the bills, recover from my husband’s death and take care of our children,” she recalls.

Her eldest child, then four years old, was so fond of her father that at one time she asked if the grave could be dug so he could come back home. No matter how it was explained to her, death was such a huge notion for her to understand.

Mirembe describes her late husband as the caring type who helped out with house chores and would never let her lift any heavy things.

Smiling at the present circumstances, she says, “In fact, when my friends see me do heavy work they laugh and make fun of the situation considering I was the princess who was not allowed to carry even a crate.” It was a bit easy because a friend stayed over at the house but after two weeks she left Mirembe alone, with her two little children.
“Every corner reminded me of my husband. The worst was the joint near home where we used to hang out almost every evening,” she recounts.
The healing process
1. Focus on the children
Amidst this confusion, Mirembe says most people advised her to go out of the country and start a new life but she was hesitant. “I wondered where and with whom I would leave my children and resolved to stay and be strong,” she shares. “I decided to focus on my children, which also helped distract me from the saddening memories of my husband.”

Then, working at Total Uganda, Mirembe celebrated every education milestone her children reached. “When my son went to Kindergarten, I thanked God. He eventually graduated with a bachelor’s degree in Information Technology at Kyambogo University and my daughter has a Bachelor’s degree in Social Works and Social Administration from Uganda Christian University.
2. Supportive in-laws
Mirembe says her in-laws, especially her father-in-law, were very supportive. He offered to pay school fees for her son and visited him at school until he passed on in 1996.
Starting Family Support Uganda
As she toiled to fend for her family, Mirembe says she realised the need to understand her children and for them to be free with her.
She developed a desire to teach other parents the concept of parenting and, in fact, started doing more research on parenting. That is where the idea for starting up Family Support Uganda (FSU) in 2010 was born. But not before seeing her children through school first, which allowed her more resources as well.

FSU provides counselling on parenting, reproductive health and livelihoods. It organises training for rural women on income-generating activities such as making snacks like crisps. But parenting is the organisations’s major focus and they already hold sessions with various groups such as Rotary club, St Stephen’s Church, corporate groups, Namagunga Primary School and bridal showers, at a fee.

25 years later
“It has got easier with time. At first I missed him so much because I was used to celebrating events such as Christmas with him as part of the family, but now I celebrate with friends. I’ve developed new routines.

“I never dated again or even thought about it; I was focused on raising the children. I don’t think I can handle the confusion of relationships at this age. The children have grown but I can adopt my relatives’ children and keep busy,” she says.

Education
Mirembe attended Mengo Primary School and joined Gayaza Girls’ School for O-level. She later went to Namasagali for A-Level. She holds degree in Social Work and Social Administration from Makerere University and a Masters in Development Studies, which she attained in 2005 from Makerere University.

HER TIPS
When you lose a spouse;
• Try as much as possible to come to terms with what has happened day by day
• Have a closer relationship with God. Worship in praise and worship songs.
• Focus on the children if any.
• Help spouse’s memory to remain alive for the children by, for example, reminding them of what he would have loved them to become.
• Pay attention to formal work but also find other side businesses to boost your income.
• Find room in your heart to help others instead of wallowing in self-pity.
• Keep busy with other community activities such as church, rotary, dancing classes or go out once in a while with girlfriends.
• Love yourself, exercise and try to keep beautiful and in shape.
• Keep busy and start dating only when you feel ready.
• Some days are harder than others so write down your challenges and you will smile at them in future when you read them.
For parenting
• Pray together as family
• Love and respect your spouse and children, and hopefully they will reciprocate.
• Communicate effectively with family members and make sure your instructions are properly understood.
• Build family members’ confidence.
• Know and understand members’ characters, tastes and preferences because we are all unique, even your children.
• Help children to understand the situation in the home, say in cases of income or a job loss.
• Encourage all family members to participate in house chores including your children.
• Share family values with children.
• Involve them in budgeting and shopping for the home so that they know where to get good products.
• Make it a point to spend quality time with family.
• Teach children accountability for time and other resources.
• Help children to learn a practical skill like mending.
• To make relationships and discussions easy when puberty sets in, get involved in your children’s lives right from an early age so they get accustomed to discussing their private issues with you. Take advantage of situations to bring up difficult topics such as sex, for example from a movie scene.