In an interview on sex in marriage, Ruth Bukenya, a counsellor, recalled a memorable conversation she had with a staunch Christian woman who had, until then, never reached sexual climax. Perplexed by her first orgasmic experience, the woman believed she had been possessed by evil spirits.
Such is the power of the orgasm, also known as sexual climax, or the peak of sexual excitement.
It is an experience out of this world, so much so that the French appropriately called it “the little death”, an event that could visit you and make you think you died and went to heaven, or perhaps that you are in the company of your long gone ancestors.
The importance of an orgasm
In the course of research carried out for this story, whenever the subject of sexual climax came up on the street, on Facebook or in private conversations, women either became shy or very giggly and excited.
The orgasm is that mysterious sweet little bedroom secret that gives women reason to want and have more sex. While the orgasm is touted as this sweet, heavenly stuff of dreams, many women do not get to this sexual peak and they get along just fine in the valley of ignorance and bliss.
“Whether you achieve orgasm or not, you will still be able to have children and you may keep having sex your whole life, never reaching the climax, but not knowing or feeling like you were missing anything,” says artiste, TV talk show host, and senga, Annet Nandujja.
“Some women I have talked to say sometimes, you can enjoy sex without necessarily having an orgasm,” adds Pastor Mark Kigozi, a church leader and counsellor, more popularly referred to as Pastor Mark, who has interacted with many couples in the course of marital counselling.
On the one hand, however, you cannot miss what you have not experienced. The orgasm is a brand of sweetness that we are told you should experience or you will be like one who has never lived. “Life is to be experienced and to be lived. If you have never reached these levels where you are out of your body, in a sense, you haven’t lived,” says Phoebe Luwum, a creative mind coach.
Communicate your way to ‘heaven’
The journey to an orgasm starts with a willing mind and open communication. Whether you have scented candles, silk sheets and beautiful lighting, if you are distracted or annoyed and your mind is not in it, you may not go very far in achieving the orgasm.
“Communication can be verbal, but also non-verbal. During sex, you can communicate non-verbally by shifting to whatever position you would like and encouraging him in what is good. Unfortunately, many people never do that in their relationships,” says Pastor Mark.
You are responsible for your pleasure
According to Pastor Mark, women have a big role to play in making sure they get to sexual climax. “Men are not mind readers. Women need to be able to ask for what they want and feel like they deserve to be pleasured.
“It is not wrong for an individual to be a bit selfish in relationships. It is not just about giving. It is also about receiving. Your needs should also be included and this can be done through communication,” he says.
“If you are not feeling like a woman who can give pleasure and be pleasured, no one is going to give that to you,” Luwum adds.
What fails us?
1. Sex for money
“Some women, especially the young ones have sex with men they do not love because they want money from them.
Most likely, during such sex, she is wondering, ‘Is this guy even going to give me money after this? How much will he part with today?’ The woman may, therefore, be too busy scheming to notice that the man has reached his climax,” explains Nandujja.
2. Natural limitations
Some women, according to Nandujja, are not well lubricated by nature and this can hinder them from reaching climax. “You can improve lubrication by drinking obushera, a millet beverage commonly consumed in western Uganda,” tips Nandujja, adding, “Drinking water helps too.”
In the olden days, parents used to pay attention to what their children ate in order to enhance some of their attributes. “Girls would be given some herbs that could enhance things like lubrication,” says Nandujja.
3. A disabling culture
Fingers have been pointed at our cultural setting and the advice we are handed on sex and marriage, as a hindrance to reaching orgasm. “I attended a senga class and it was all about pleasing a man. You are conditioned to believe that within a relationship, you are supposed to be a certain kind of person. You are supposed to be pleasing to someone and it is almost as if you forget yourself and it is all about him. Many of us are brought up like that from an early age,” says Luwum, who hails from West Nile.