what is a female orgasm and how can you get one?

In an interview on sex in marriage, Ruth Bukenya, a counsellor, recalled a memorable conversation she had with a staunch Christian woman who had, until then, never reached sexual climax. Perplexed by her first orgasmic experience, the woman believed she had been possessed by evil spirits.

Such is the power of the orgasm, also known as sexual climax, or the peak of sexual excitement.

It is an experience out of this world, so much so that the French appropriately called it “the little death”, an event that could visit you and make you think you died and went to heaven, or perhaps that you are in the company of your long gone ancestors.
The importance of an orgasm
In the course of research carried out for this story, whenever the subject of sexual climax came up on the street, on Facebook or in private conversations, women either became shy or very giggly and excited.

The orgasm is that mysterious sweet little bedroom secret that gives women reason to want and have more sex. While the orgasm is touted as this sweet, heavenly stuff of dreams, many women do not get to this sexual peak and they get along just fine in the valley of ignorance and bliss.
“Whether you achieve orgasm or not, you will still be able to have children and you may keep having sex your whole life, never reaching the climax, but not knowing or feeling like you were missing anything,” says artiste, TV talk show host, and senga, Annet Nandujja.

“Some women I have talked to say sometimes, you can enjoy sex without necessarily having an orgasm,” adds Pastor Mark Kigozi, a church leader and counsellor, more popularly referred to as Pastor Mark, who has interacted with many couples in the course of marital counselling.

On the one hand, however, you cannot miss what you have not experienced. The orgasm is a brand of sweetness that we are told you should experience or you will be like one who has never lived. “Life is to be experienced and to be lived. If you have never reached these levels where you are out of your body, in a sense, you haven’t lived,” says Phoebe Luwum, a creative mind coach.

Communicate your way to ‘heaven’
The journey to an orgasm starts with a willing mind and open communication. Whether you have scented candles, silk sheets and beautiful lighting, if you are distracted or annoyed and your mind is not in it, you may not go very far in achieving the orgasm.

“Communication can be verbal, but also non-verbal. During sex, you can communicate non-verbally by shifting to whatever position you would like and encouraging him in what is good. Unfortunately, many people never do that in their relationships,” says Pastor Mark.

You are responsible for your pleasure
According to Pastor Mark, women have a big role to play in making sure they get to sexual climax. “Men are not mind readers. Women need to be able to ask for what they want and feel like they deserve to be pleasured.
“It is not wrong for an individual to be a bit selfish in relationships. It is not just about giving. It is also about receiving. Your needs should also be included and this can be done through communication,” he says.

“If you are not feeling like a woman who can give pleasure and be pleasured, no one is going to give that to you,” Luwum adds.

What fails us?
1. Sex for money
“Some women, especially the young ones have sex with men they do not love because they want money from them.

Most likely, during such sex, she is wondering, ‘Is this guy even going to give me money after this? How much will he part with today?’ The woman may, therefore, be too busy scheming to notice that the man has reached his climax,” explains Nandujja.

2. Natural limitations
Some women, according to Nandujja, are not well lubricated by nature and this can hinder them from reaching climax. “You can improve lubrication by drinking obushera, a millet beverage commonly consumed in western Uganda,” tips Nandujja, adding, “Drinking water helps too.”

In the olden days, parents used to pay attention to what their children ate in order to enhance some of their attributes. “Girls would be given some herbs that could enhance things like lubrication,” says Nandujja.

3. A disabling culture
Fingers have been pointed at our cultural setting and the advice we are handed on sex and marriage, as a hindrance to reaching orgasm. “I attended a senga class and it was all about pleasing a man. You are conditioned to believe that within a relationship, you are supposed to be a certain kind of person. You are supposed to be pleasing to someone and it is almost as if you forget yourself and it is all about him. Many of us are brought up like that from an early age,” says Luwum, who hails from West Nile.

She adds: “Some of those things may not be said, but you see your mother behaving like that and those are the most dangerous things, the ones that are not said, but are just insinuations.”
Pastor Mark advises against some age-old beliefs. “There should not be any fear in love. No wonder you find that many couples cannot even look at each other naked. They switch off the lights and come to the act like nocturnal creatures.

“No one explores the other’s body because they have been told by the Sengas that if you over expose yourself to the man, he gets tired of it and will no longer desire you. People have not learnt that the visual is what draws the man to the woman.
“Women are told not to talk to the man during sex. They have to show the man that they are enjoying sex, even when they are not,” he says.
“There are also the assumptions we have about men and women, such as who has the power? Who can ask and who has to receive? We have all sorts of conditioning,” Luwum explains.

4. Failure by a man to please the woman
According to Nandujja, “It may be that one’s husband or boyfriend does not know how to get a woman to orgasm. Women have many spots on their bodies that if touched can get them to climax. If a man does not touch the right places, the woman cannot get there.

The bulk of the work is for the man to prepare their lover well and lead them towards the orgasm. If the man doesn’t fulfill this duty, there could be trouble. That is why some women go wild after trying another partner and getting more excitement than they have ever experienced in their lives, then they will think they have been missing out for long.”

5. Pressure is one of your biggest enemies
“A sexual relationship is not about performance. It is about studying and learning what the other person loves. Some women may like some things and others may not,” says Pastor Mark.

For some men though, the number of orgasms that a woman has had can be a measure of their prowess. This can put pressure on the woman sleeping with such a man.
According to Luwum, when it comes to getting and giving an orgasm, pressure is the enemy of success. In other words, the very act of focusing on the goal will stop you from experiencing whatever pleasure comes before. Aware of how important it is to their men, some women will go so far as to fake one just so their partner will feel like a man.

Pastor Mark refers to a 2011 research done in Britain, which proved that most women fake rather than actually reach orgasm.

Is she faking it?
A team of British researchers studied 71 women between the ages of 18 and 48 and found that about 57 of these faked orgasms atleast half of the time.

The study also found that orgasm was most frequently reported by women following self-manipulation of the clitoris, manipulation by the partner, oral sex delivered to the woman by a man, and least frequently during vaginal penetration.

Researchers found that women are often quietest when they are actually receiving pleasure, like during oral sex or foreplay. They make the most erotic noises when sex starts feeling uncomfortable or when they get bored. They also get noisy when they sense their partner is ready to climax – to boost their partner’s self-esteem, many reported.

Evidently, there are probably thousands, maybe millions even, of satisfied men, walking around in false confidence that they are doing a great job in bed. Imagine what it would be like if all these women were getting real orgasms?

Not to lose hope though, because there is definitely a proven path to achieving real pleasure, as evidenced by the woman who have experienced it.

What fails us?
1. Sex for money
“Some women, especially the young ones have sex with men they do not love because they want money from them.
Most likely, during such sex, she is wondering, ‘Is this guy even going to give me money after this? How much will he part with today?’ The woman may, therefore, be too busy scheming to notice that the man has reached his climax,” explains Nandujja.

2. Natural limitations
Some women, according to Nandujja, are not well lubricated by nature and this can hinder them from reaching climax. “You can improve lubrication by drinking obushera, a millet beverage commonly consumed in western Uganda,” tips Nandujja, adding, “Drinking water helps too.”
In the olden days, parents used to pay attention to what their children ate in order to enhance some of their attributes. “Girls would be given some herbs that could enhance things like lubrication,” says Nandujja.

3. A disabling culture
Fingers have been pointed at our cultural setting and the advice we are handed on sex and marriage, as a hindrance to reaching orgasm. “I attended a senga class and it was all about pleasing a man. You are conditioned

What’s worked for you?
Doris Nyango, member of the Uganda Counselling Association: The surest route to get to sexual climax depends on a woman. We are all different, and get stimulated in many different ways.

I’m a born again Christian, and some of the advice I’m giving, especially on masturbation, I do not practice or agree with, but it has been proven scientifically.

Generally speaking, masturbation is the most direct route to an orgasm. Most women who reach orgasm with a partner have also experienced an orgasm from masturbation.

Margaret Kizito, a sales representative: Every woman is different. Some women need help from the man, but I can get to orgasm by myself. I am one unique woman. I get to the sexual peak when I am the one on top.

Penelope, via Facebook: It is important to have an orgasm. The surest and fastest route to get there is the woman-on-top position. You get in control of everything and your lady parts will have no choice, but to get electrified in no minute.

For those with breasts that are no longer so pointed, teenager-style, stimulation of the nipple is better when they are facing down and that quickens the process too! So, woman on top. If you haven’t tried, go and try and pay me.