When loneliness becomes a chronic illness

If possible volunteer your time to help the needy. Focusing on the needs of others steers your mind away from sad thoughts. Photo by Rachael Mabala.

What you need to know:

  • From time to time, we all experience loneliness.
  • What most of us don’t realise is how serious loneliness can be, especially when you start to feel disconnect even when people are around.

With the advent and fast growth of social media – Facebook, Twitter, and WhatsApp – one would think that loneliness is a thing of the past. After all, any time you feel bored all you have to do is buy a social bundle and chat away. Strangely though, there are people who still struggle with deep loneliness in their lives.
Some of us have known a thing or two about loneliness when we were forced to keep our own company due to a breakup in a relationship or when we found ourselves alone at home.

Time will usually heal this kind of loneliness. However, there is a deeper kind of loneliness that seems to settle down into your soul and not let go. Noella Mukesha, a 40-year-old single woman, has known deep loneliness for most of her life.
“I do not understand it. Recently, I accompanied my married friend to her village for a wedding. All her relatives gathered in the home and everyone was happy. But, I was lonely. Under the guise of exhaustion, I sneaked into one of the bedrooms and stayed there for a while.”
Mukesha’s friend was puzzled by and angry at her behaviour but what reason could anyone give for feeling lonely in a crowd?

Causes and effects
People who suffer from profound loneliness find it difficult to make lasting or compatible friendships because they find it almost impossible to summon the emotional energy to venture out into relationships.

Feelings of inadequacy
Louis Nakibuuka, a counsellor, attributes profound loneliness to the fact that the sufferers feel they are not understood by those around them. “The feeling that you have not achieved what others your age have achieved is a source of sadness. Such a person will not feel connected with people so they decide to cut themselves off.”

Isolation creates a void that craves to be filled. Mukesha has spent 12 years without entering into a meaningful relationship.
“When I broke up with my boyfriend, I became a heavy drinker. It was the only way I could fill the emptiness in my life. Unconsciously, I gave out all my clothes and retained only the black ones. I have never consciously tried to get into another relationship.”
Nakibuuka says feelings of unworthiness assail people with profound loneliness. “There is a sense of purposelessness and drifting in life.”
Social isolation can be linked to early mortality.

Loneliness sign of disease
Evelyn Lufaafa, a counsellor, says loneliness is a sign of clinical depression. “Depression is a disease and when you are in that state, the thoughts you have are all negative. People with clinical depression may be obsessed with committing suicide.”
Besides suicide, studies carried out at the University of Chicago show that lonely people report higher levels of perceived stress than those who are not lonely. This raises their blood pressure levels making the heart muscle work harder than normal. High blood pressure is also a major risk factor for heart disease.

DEALING WITH IT

Analyse: Do an analysis on yourself and try to discover the origin of the loneliness.

Acceptance. Do not run away from loneliness by making your life busy. Accept that you are lonely and you need help.

Seek help: Visit a counsellor who will know when to refer you to a psychiatrist if you are suffering from clinical depression.

Be determined to heal. There are so many things for you to discover. So, fight that sadness and explore the gift of life.

Loneliness in relationships
While many people will dismiss loneliness as a condition that affects people who do not have spouses, Joan Orach, a married woman with four children, has been taking antidepressants on-and-off for the last 10 years.
“I thought my husband would be the perfect cure for loneliness but I was mistaken. I gave up on trying to explain my feelings to him. I get sudden urges to cry over the past and I do not want to socialise at church or with his friends.”

Because loneliness is hard to explain, many people feel ashamed of it, so, they suffer in silence. “I have always had a deep mistrust for people who laugh a lot,” Orach says,
“What is there to be so happy about in life? Sometimes, I try to be like my husband, I set out to just be happy and I succeed for a day or two, before that dark cloud settles over me again.”
For someone plagued by loneliness, a single thought of the stigma they go through because no one understands them can trigger a cascade of sad feelings.

Abuse that takes years to heal
According to Evelyn Lufaafa, a counsellor, childhood traumatic experiences or traumatic situations we face in adulthood, such as job loss contribute to feelings of profound loneliness. “When people fail to cope due to different personality traits or coping mechanisms, the trauma is carried into our daily lives.”
Orach can trace her loneliness to emotional abuse she suffered as a child.
“When my mother married another man, I was sent to live with an aunt who did not want me. The feelings of being unwanted have followed me into adulthood, even though I am in what others call a happy marriage.”

Since the conditions that create chronic loneliness are often known to the victim, they should be encouraged to speak to a trusted friend or a counsellor for help.
“Do a self-analysis on yourself and find out what your strengths are, and then, exploit them,” Nakibuuka advises,
“Get out of your shell and find someone or a hobby you can connect with.
”For those who might be experiencing suicidal thoughts, it is helpful to attach themselves to a religious group so that faith can fill up the empty void in.