Sunday October 16 2011

By the way-How to gracefully lay off an employee

By Peter Kakoma

I have heard of how companies lay off employees and I think there are better ways of doing it. Much as the people behind the layoffs, the ones in Human Resource, have several degrees under their belts, I have spent several hours on the internet to back my findings. You cannot contest internet findings.

In this column, I’ve shared top tips on how to run an organisation before. I revealed that when someone first joins an organisation, it should be company policy that he/she sends a friend request to his/her boss. Now to lay them off, no need to call them for ‘the talk’. All the boss laying off the employee has to do is unfriend the employee. On noticing that they’ve been unfriended, the employee should pack up and leave.

The entire Human Resource force should show up at the employee’s desk just before lunch and break into song. “You…have been laid off. Fired. Retired. Laid off” (repeat till fade)
This requires a human resource team with great voices and one of them ought to be able to play a guitar, preferably the Human Resource manager.

No desk
This method will require Human Resource to send in the cleaners over the weekend. When the employee shows up on Monday, he/she should have no desk. Everyone should be instructed to stare at their computers and whistle if the fired employee attempts to make conversation with them. Anyone who makes conversation with the black sheep will find their desk missing the next Monday. This method is effective since it eliminates the need for embarrassing eye contact with workmates when you’ve been fired. The employee will also be grateful that you didn’t publish their passport photo in a leading daily.

Public Address System
This will require a bit of monetary input from Human Resource. Have you seen those trucks with speakers and guys with unwashed dreadlocks that go around announcing album launches? If, like the rest of us, you live in normal areas, then you have seen them. Kololo doesn’t have them though. So, Human Resource should hire one of these trucks to go park outside the home of the fired employee and inform them of their newly-acquired freedom. The beauty of this method is you save the employee the stress of getting to work that day.