In support of Museveni’s Benz

On Independence Day, our Beloved Leader, Ssabalwanyi Yoweri Museveni unveiled a new state-of-the-art S500 Pullman Guard Benz. As we later learnt, the gadgets (for they were two of them) cost the taxpayer close to Shs6 billion. As usual, the noisemakers went into frenzy about how that money could pay thousands of teachers, build hundreds of health units, blah blah. Today, we explain features on this car that the public did not know of and why it was a wise deal to purchase it.

Letter from Kireka. Pothole-detecting windscreen: The Benz’s windscreen is fitted with glass capable of detecting a pothole 50 metres away. This technology can tell the radius of the pothole and its depth. When this happens, the driver then decides to either dodge the pothole or let the all-terrain tyres do their work. What people did not know is that these tyres expand or shrink depending on the surface the car is running on. So when the car bumps into a pothole, the tyres grow in thickness equal to the depth of that pothole- ensuring the occupants do not feel any impact. This was customised for Ugandan roads.

District-sensor button
Another unique feature on this car is the district-sensor button. Connected to the GPS system, this button is able to tell the car’s occupants whenever they cross into a new district. It is a device that was installed after realising that the traditional signposts like , “welcome to Kabale” or “welcome to Abim” could not match the level at which new districts were being created. This also helps the President correctly identify a district when say addressing a rally because you just never know the sub-county could have hours ago been elevated to a district.

Besigye-tracking lights
The lights on the Benz have a micro-chip that tracks opposition leader Kizza Besigye’s movements. This chip has been synchronized with another in Besigye’s belly (don’t ask how it got there). This particular device became crucial after Dr Besigye, towards Independence Day celebrations, beat 24-hour security surveillance around his home and caused mayhem in the city centre. With this device, Besigye’s movements are keenly monitored.
Corruption-index dashboard: Somewhere on the Benz’s dashboard is a magnetic table that shows where theft of government money is happening. In building this particular part of the car, several cameras were installed in all key government departments like the Office of the Prime Minister, Ministry of Public Service and Bank of Uganda. These cameras are connected to the Benz’s dashboard by satellite. So, if a principal accountant fidgets with a password to illegally wire money to his personal account, the car’s occupant gets an alert. This is what has helped expose the recent thefts in OPM and pensions sector.

UPDF-monitoring screen
Between the driver’s seat and the first passenger pew is a miniature screen that highlights activities in all Uganda’s barracks. What the President can do is zoom in a particular barracks (say Third Division) and get a clear view of what is happening there. He can then use the screen to do conference calls with all the commanders and find out the state of troops and level of preparedness in case of eventualities. As commander-in-chief, Mzee can even bellow instructions to troops through this gadget.

What is in Rwakitura projector
Again, cognizant of Mzee’s love for cattle, manufacturers fitted a small projector screen in the corridor between the first and second passenger compartments. This screen helps Mzee monitor his cows as they feed in Rwakitura and other ranches like Kisozi. It also serves as a relaxation tool for the President, after spending hours going through official documents. Through this screen, the President looks at his favourite cows and can tell whether they have been given enough grass or not. He can also use it to instruct the farm hands on proper milking methods and spraying the animals to kill ticks.

MPs’ drama monitor
The third screen in this Benz, which sits in the back passenger seats, has been wired to Parliament. Using this screen, the President can follow drama between MPs like Musa Ecweru and Barnabas Tinkasiimire or the Appointments Committee and Idah Nantaba. Buy beyond reflecting events in Parliament, the President can use this to find critical information on MPs. For example, once he types an MP’s name, finer details like number of spouses, number of children, debts in banks, all come up. This helps the President design responses tailored to each and every MP.

dwanyama@gmail.com