PARENTING: Beating a child could leave an indelible mark

Children can be annoying, we all agree; with them, almost nothing can be as you want it to be. Some parents cannot simply comprehend why their child, young or adolescent, actually did whatever they did wrong.

Spanking a child when they have done wrong is okay but should be done with moderation. Above all, do not hurl insults at a child or act violent towards them, writes Stella Nakakande

“Kyana gwe olinga’ omulambo, kisirani gwe (you look like a dead body you child, you are a bad omen), why don’t you eat your food?” I once heard a woman scream at her three-year-old child in a restaurant.

“Ogwana negukubonyabonya (the child tortures you),” she complained further. I cringed at her statements as did everyone else. If she could do this in public, what happens at home then?

It is not rare to find a woman or two screaming at their children in shopping malls or on the road side; some even slapping them; it does not matter that they are in public. Many a time such children look away with a shy and wounded expression on their faces.

Sylvia Nalunga, a pharmacist and mother of three, does not agree with the idea of hurling insults at children. “I think the words I say to them may influence them into becoming so reserved.”

She however admits to beating them. “It is good to cane them but always mind your language, although for children aged three and below, it’s better not to beat because you can get tired.”

Children can be annoying, we all agree; with them, almost nothing can be as you want it to be. Some parents cannot simply comprehend why their child, young or adolescent, actually did whatever they did wrong.

When a child fails to comply with a parent’s rules and regulations, disciplinary measures are taken. But is it always good? Do the canes and abuses actually shape the child or do they cause more harm?

Dennis Odoi, a child psychologist with World Vision emphasises the fact that parents should never abuse their children because a child never forgets whatever they say. An indelible mark is always left on the child. “If you do that to your child, what do you expect others to do?” he asks.
He further explains that if anyone else abuses the child, this will hold little or no effect as long as they come home to appreciation. “Hold their hand, tell them they are special and you love them, then it will not matter what others say,” he adds. “No matter how angry you are, don’t abuse, if you do, be responsible enough to apologise.”

He advises that when it gets to punishment, spanking is a better option to hurling insults. In psychology, it is said there are different ways through which people learn. One of these is by negative reinforcement; a punishment to rule out bad behaviour and spanking after a bad deed is an example.
“Parents should cane children on the bottom, period, and should be sane and sober as they do this,” Odoi advises.

Spanking should be done immediately after a bad deed to enable the children relate the punishment to behaviour.
“Tell them you love them but condemn what they did; it should be painful and when they cry and come to you, hold them,” he adds. This shows that you love them but hate the behaviour.

And if they do it right, this calls for positive reinforcement, which Odoi says promotes good behaviour. A reward or gift should be given when something is done right.
Spanking though should not be carried on to teen age, Odoi emphasises. “Please parents, spank children before they turn 13, after this, talk to them, do not beat, don’t physically hurt them.”

And when need be, teenagers can be deprived of something they love like watching TV. He maintains though that aggressive behaviour is not acquired because just because children are beaten. It is learned from home, which is the first institution; children especially emulate how parents relate to each other.