Why I am not on Instagram

Social media is hard work, brethren. Only Facebook makes sense to me, despite them deciding to sell my data. That is okay, because as a citizen of my country, I am used to being abused and misused. Now Instagram...that hall of pictures and hashtags; I have never properly understood. These are the reasons for my absence on that platform:

1. I take 12 passport photos at the beginning of every year. If you want a photo of me you better be prepared to chase me down and handcuff me so that I can agree.
2. I am not prepared to artfully pout at strangers. When I was growing up, this would have been considered the ultimate sign of rudeness.
3. I have always thought people who use more than one hashtag are possessed by unclean spirits. It is my assumption that multiple hashtags are a cry for help and we should be organising exorcisms, not taking more photos.
4. I know what I look like. I own a mirror. I do not need several snapshots throughout the day to remind me.
5. I still have my God-given eyebrows. I have not yet replaced them with thick, boxy smears of waxy substances.
6. The government knows who my spouse is. I live with him. He also knows himself. My family and friends can recognise him. His employer has photos and records of him. I am 100 per cent confident that he does exist, and do not need to keep reassuring myself by continually posting photos of him.
7. ‘Bae’ and I do not do many fancy things when we are together. I really doubt anyone would be interested in watching us wash dishes, play Scrabble or do household shopping.
8. When I am having fun the last thing on my mind is taking a photo of myself having fun so that the world can see me having fun. This ruins the fun.
9. If I join Instagram and my boss finds out, she will force me to put up photos of our products. I refuse to work as an unpaid sales agent.