Sunday June 22 2014

Sitting on a volatile secret

By Lindsey Kukunda

I had been wanting to break wind all morning. I mean it.
As soon as I’d finished having a shower, I started wanting to do the deed. But someone needed the bathroom, and there was no time.

Most bad wind is polite and usually retreats when you refuse to let it rip. This one refused to go anywhere. Every 10 minutes, it was there, knocking on the door.

I was not alone for breakfast so the crowded table forced me to rein it in. While my bad wind sought a means of escape, I planted myself firmly in my chair, closed the gates and endured my meal of eggs and bread.

Ordinarily I may have relieved my anxieties on the lonely walk down to the road to grab a taxi. But alas! Today was not the day. I was offered a ride straight to my workplace-an opportunity too good to let pass. My work place is in such a location that even breaking wind wouldn’t stop me accepting a free ride.

My agonies on the way to work cannot be told for fear of a tear leaving my eye. Suffice to say I was able to not permeate the vehicle of my good Samaritans with the aromas suppressed. As soon as I reached the office, I run to draw the curtains and open the windows. It was time!

I was halted by a phone call I received from a meeting I had thought I’d have later. Apparently, the person was on their way now. I sat down and pondered my difficult situation.

Should I risk it? It would be terrible if anyone found traces of a f**t lingering about. I was supposed to be professional. They’d probably be here in twenty minutes. Did I have the time?
My f**t told me that I was wasting precious minutes! It was now or never. I took a deep breath, and let it go.

Oh, but it was a long, loud, smelly one. A real smacker. The office reeked of the stuff. I remembered something important I had forgotten to draw the curtains and open the window. As I was getting up to perform this important operation, the door opened.
My 9 o’clock meeting had arrived.