To kill a chicken

Dearly beloved,
Last week, I lectured you about needing to learn how to kill a chicken- but I never told you how! Forgive me, as I endeavour to enlighten you.
Now, this is purely my opinion but I feel the best training is to slaughter a chicken in its natural habitat, usually someone’s farm. Never trust these urban chickens that cross roads more confidently than the town residents- apart from their unyielding attitude, many have come to acquire a taste for strange things such as plastic, or beef. Keep well away!
Okay, back to the farm.

You should be wearing flat, comfortable shoes, by the way. First, stand arms akimbo in front of a brood of chicken. Select the tastiest-looking of them all with your eyes. Sometimes, the ugliest ones are tastiest, but this skill of selection needs years of experience to develop. At this point, somehow, your future meal will sense doom and it will lock eyes with you. Get ready, because it will then take off like a speedboat around the compound, squawking as if to say “Not today Satan!” Forget your dignity and go chase your chicken. Unless it escapes through a hole in the fence, you will definitely win. Once your hands wrap around its feathery neck, victory is yours.

The next step will take guts, especially if the only thing you have ever killed is a mosquito or a cockroach. Step firmly on the chicken’s neck with your foot and twist it anti-clockwise. A loud snap will confirm that your meal is now dead. This is also a good self-defence technique— keep this in mind. Call for the sharpest knife in the kitchen. When it arrives, make a clean cut across the chicken’s throat with the knife. Do not make the mistake of loosening your foot-grip on the chicken— they are prone to running around headless, splashing blood all over the place before realising that they are fully dead. This is where the saying ‘Running around like a headless chicken’ came from. Plunge the chicken into a pot of boiling hot water, pluck out the feathers, cut it up and cook.
Dinner is served!