A Corporal writes to Kale Kayihura

Letter From Kireka. Many may be up in arms about your recent directive Afande Kale Kayihura, however some of us your corporals are in full support. This is why I have taken the time to pen down a few things to show my appreciation.

Habari Afande Inspector General of Police! I saw the memo you sent to us. It was pinned at our station’s notice board in Kireka. I actually agree with you. That directive warning our female colleagues against cutting their skirts in order to convert them into mini-skirts is a nice one. I can see that you and the good old priest Simon Lokodo are reading from the same script. I was among the few people who were convinced Fr. Lokodo was still sober when he accused miniskirts of causing the massive corruption in the country.

I am glad Afande, that you also realise these miniskirts were propagating the same vice in the Police force. Truth be told, whenever we are on duty and see the thighs of our female colleagues, strange things happen to us. For example, those of us in the traffic section begin to ask for bribes from motorists even when we do not want to. Somehow, all this money ends in our female colleagues’ pockets. We hate those miniskirts Afande.
You also remember the time some of our wives met you and complained that the female officers were grabbing us from them? It exactly boiled down to that matter—miniskirts.

Of course one of the culprits, who works in the traffic section, told me they feel terrible when they flag down cars driven by women—only for the drivers to emerge in skirts akin to big belts—and many times the contrast makes the officers look like they are fresh from Kyanamukaka. She argued that if they were going to stamp their authority on the roads, it is only fair that they look like the female drivers they are watching over. She told me that also explains the great use of lipstick—which you have also banned.

I also want to thank you for asking us to shave our moustaches. By the way, many of us never knew those beards were the preserve of battle-hardened Generals. No wonder Generals Tinyefuza and Koreta treat them with such fondness. I also saw Brig. Muhoozi grooming his. You will have to forgive us Afande. Some of us thought beards were just a natural occurrence irrespective of occupation or rank. Thanks for clearing the air.

I wonder what will now become of our colleagues Ibin Ssenkumbi, Hillary Kulayigye, Wesley Nganizi and James Katonyerera, they really loved their moustaches. Did I also hear that Afande Andrew Kaweesi is growing one? One thing is clear though—the barbers will be busy this weekend as we strive to conform to the directive.

By the way Afande- those chaps in Parliament are a strange lot. I heard Hon. Hamson Obua asking if dress code is the most critical thing in the Police Force today. Of course it is! Obua and his likes need to be told that issues of police welfare are as old as the police. We did not begin sleeping in Mama Ingia Pole yesterday. It is not news anymore that families share unipots. That is not news. If anyone wanted confirmation of the conditions we have always lived in, they should have seen the pictures of President Museveni while he visited the family of Assistant Inspector of Police John Bosco Ariong, who was killed in city riots in March last year. That picture, where only the President had shoes, told our entire story.

But these are things we have grown accustomed to. The MPs think issues of delayed salaries worry us. They wonder how we survive if our salaries come late and yet you scrapped our lunch allowances. We no longer get the Ugali and soup that came with it while on duty. Afande, of course you will need to forgive these MPs. They have not been through the drills we underwent before we graduated. They need to hear tales from Kabalye Training School. They need to know that we have been trained to go for days minus food or water. These MPs are ignorant of the fact that only the American Seals’ training rivals ours.

A final one Afande. Did you say that the female officers who wish to braid their hair should use black materials? Here is my humble proposal. You remember how dull the khaki traffic uniform was? Then suddenly we brought white- all the streets were illuminated. In the absence of street lights, our white traffic uniforms shone. What if we asked the female officers to use yellow materials? You can imagine all those pretty ladies with yellow hair, they would be some sight! And yellow comes with an added advantage—Mzee will be impressed!

Yours,
Corporal Alfredo,
Kireka Station.

dwanyama@ug.nationmedia.com