All protocol observed

One of the benefits of working in the civil service is that tea is provided, regularly and faithfully, at the hours of 9 am and 3pm. There are no sly attempts to ‘cut back’ on expenditure by reducing the milk or introducing hot water instead of milk (milk will soon cost more than fuel, at this rate).

Another thing is that there are strict procedures to follow. For example, to requisition a pen, a requisition must be raised by the department in charge of that, to go to the procurement department, accompanied by forms printed and signed in triplicate.

This is supposed to promote transparency and help kill corruption dead. Unfortunately, what it means in reality is that you will be cutting yourself with a razor blade and using a quill dipped in the resultant blood to do all your writing because that is how long it will take to get the properly- procured pens.

And now what puzzles me most, is the speaking procedures that must be followed at any meeting, be it a small meeting of six people or a gathering of the entire workforce. The meeting begins and then someone, not the designated speaker, stands up to welcome the person who will welcome the designated speaker (DS). The grander the occasion, the higher the number of unnecessary ‘welcomers’.

Person A stands up and says “I would now like to open this meeting and kindly request Person B to come and welcome the DS for us.” Beaming, Person B stands up and says “Thank you Person A, for welcoming me to welcome our DS. And now, I would like to welcome our DS, Mr, Ms, Mrs So-and-So, all protocol observed…” Hold it right there.

All protocol observed? Who or what are the invisible protocols and why must we observe them? Should we turn our heads and gaze at them in silent observation, as they too, observe us? Why is it so difficult for Person A to stand up and, in his capacity as a) a human being and b) a human being blessed with the power of speech, proceed to welcome the DS? All this protocol!