Dear brother Humphrey

Thank you for your sincere and open letters to me. As you know, I am always right and you did well to contact me. Now, you say that women find you insensitive, and you are mystified. Worry not my brother, I am here to help.
Firstly, I beg you, never meet a lady friend and ask her “What happened to your face?” I do not care if it looks like someone marked it randomly with a black marker pen. We suffer from strange things such as acne and hormones. Just complement her handbag or something, and look past her pock-marked face.

Secondly, do not ever find a lady friend in a bad mood and ask her if she is on her period. How is someone’s blood flow your business? Even if you are in the business of supplying sanitary towels and tampons, kindly cease and desist from this behaviour. Sensitive bodily functions should never, ever be referred to in polite conversation.

Thirdly, you argue that whenever you try to be honest, your lady friends take it badly. But what is honesty? Tell me Humphrey, are you a court witness? When you meet a lady friend and tell her that her hair looks like an untended bush, who asked you? Supposing Humphrey, that the same person turned round and told you that your favourite brown suit— that one you bought with your very first salary— makes you look 100 years old, would you like it? Please, only answer questions that you are asked!

Lastly, you insisted that since ladies are educated and even wealthier than many men today, they should pay their own way. Humphrey, with this kind of attitude I’m not surprised that you are still unhappily single. Buying a drink or a meal for a lady or paying her cab fare is not announcing that the gods of poverty have descended upon her. It is simply saying that you are a gentleman who can and will treat a lady properly. Humphrey, open your heart and loosen your grip on your wallet— it will not fly away!
Wishing you better luck this Christmas,
Agony Aunt Stella.