Sunday June 8 2014

He wants children, she does not

By Arafat Ndugga

Planning to have a baby is a big step for any relationship and the happiest partners to rejoice are mostly women who think that a child is the seal of love with their husbands.

On average, the minds of most men who move in with their girlfriends or fiancées, the first thing that runs through is to have children in the relationship and possibly to stay together forever. But when the girlfriend does not want to have a child that soon, it causes mixed reactions which may lead to calling off the relationship or cheating.

The desire to bring a child forth into the world is one of the noblest, natural, and fulfilling instincts we have as men. Under certain circumstances, however, this impulse can be immature, ill-advised, and even selfish if men do not share their feelings of having a child with their partners.
Communicate with her
Communication with your spouse is key to making your intentions known about your desire to have a baby before instead of getting angry with her.

Majid Bukenya, a computer technician, says if you want a child but she does not, end the relationship and find someone else who feels the same way. But men should never force their partners to be parents without their consent.

It is as bad as raping them.
“You desire to have a baby while your partner is apparently not ready. Ask yourself whether or not you have truly expressed your feelings to your partner in a clear and comprehensive way. Does she know why you want a baby?

Does she realise the extent of your desire? Reflect on whether or not you understand your partner’s feelings. Do you know why your significant other wants to wait and for how long? Discuss these with her before you even think of moving on to someone else in search for a child,” says Bukenya.

Ignore emotions
Joseph Kwizera, a marketing executive says, if you have both expressed your feelings to each other and still can’t have a solution regarding the potential result, then it may be time to make a choice between your own feelings and the good of the relationship.

“If you’re not married or committed, then you may want to consider whether or not the relationship is worth giving up your dreams of being a parent. On the other hand, if you are in a committed relationship, then you may have to put your own feelings aside for a while.

You cannot force another person into becoming a parent; and even if you could, the results would certainly backfire sooner or later,” Kwizera says, adding: “Don’t let anyone coerce you into having a child. Not your partner or even your parents.

The decision to have a child is significant. If you have reservations about becoming a parent, it is important to share those concerns with your partner sooner than later. A little anxiety is natural, but a mortal dread of parenting is not.”
Women’s view
According to Rebecca Namwanje, a mother of five, having a child is a lifetime commitment and there are no days off or vacations from your child. Make sure that your husband is really supportive. Ensure that he is true to his word not the dodgy type.

“I don’t think there is a cut out time to have a baby in a relationship. A man loves to feel the pride of fatherhood and once he demands to take on the responsibility, let him be. His priorities will certainly change and he will be more focused,” says Namwanje. Note that having a child should not stop both of you from having fun.

Expert says
“Parenthood is about more than passing on our hereditary genes and it is about passing on our values, passions and strengths. Disagreements with the important people in your life are always stressful; but when you disagree about something so significant and potentially life-changing as having a child, the debate can be particularly taxing on your emotions.

The best thing to do is to hear each other out, and then come to an agreement that works for both of you even if it means agreeing to disagree,” Says Ivan Mukiibi, a counsellor at Life Span Medical Centre, Kisaasi.