Helping children cope with loss of a loved one

What you need to know:

  • When a loved one dies, it can be difficult to know how to help children cope with the loss, particularly as you work through your own grief.

Losing someone is a fact not many are willing to accept or tolerate, which poses discomfort in their life both emotionally and psychologically. When death hits there is sorrow, tears and grief for all parties involved.

Even the young feel the impact of losing a loved one especially if it is someone they have grown up with, played with and has been part of all the memories they cherish, someone such as a sibling, close relative or parent.
When children realise that the person they cherished will never come back, this usually comes as a big blow.

But with the support of parents, relatives and guardians, children can cope. However, the big question usually is, how do you comfort hurting children?

According to Ali Male, a counselling psychologist and head of counselling at Young Women Christian Association, death is a fact of life. He says how you handle it determines how you move on so it is important in times of bereavement, that all family members especially children of the deceased, are part of the send off process so as to not slip into psychological torture.

He says such torture is a result of postponed grief, which is characterised by shock, denial, anger, bargaining and acceptance. This is all because the child is expecting the dead to come back which never happens.
Male explains that when a person experiences grief, there are stages they go through to get back to normalcy especially if the person’s death was tragic or sudden.

“Shock is usually the first response. This is some kind of psychological alarm that once it goes off then switching it off is a task that other close relatives need to take on.”

This is followed by denial and anger, where the child will question how the deceased died every time they remember them. If the death was a result of medical neglect or chronic illness, the children will blame these and will be angry at anybody such as doctors who would have tried to save their loved one’s life.

“It is common for people who are grieving to get stuck in between these stages if they do not receive help, for children who are not strong enough, it is worse,” Male says.

Once the anger and denial is not settled then the person will start bargaining with God to bring the deceased back to life, which ultimately leads to depression.

Male says the only way to overcome this is if you lead a child into the acceptance stage. Be honest with them that the person who died will not return. Even after you have explained this, children may continue to ask questions. As frustrating as this can be, continue to calmly reiterate that the person has died and cannot come back.

Parents’ role
Male cautions parents to be sensitive, saying children believe things as they are while those in the age bracket of six-10 years are at the point of grasping the finality of death. He says as such, parents need to understand that children too need help and care when it comes to accepting death.

Male advises that parents should allow children to participate in burial rituals as a way of accepting the loss but also as a reminder that the person really died and is not coming back.

He encourages engaging children in therapy to help them go through all the stages of grief successfully. Consulting the help of a therapist if the grieving process takes long is ideal because professional help will work best.

Certainly, parents cannot always shield children from sadness and loss. But helping them learn to cope builds emotional resources they can rely on throughout life.

Self help strategies
There are no one size fits all solutions: everyone’s circumstances are different and each person grieves differently, however, here are some coping strategies that you may find helpful.

•If you are religious, it is worth contacting your local church or place of religious denomination. Many have relevant weekly or monthly meetings and if you are not mobile they may be able to arrange for someone to bring you along or visit you in your own home. For some people, relying on family and friends is the best way to cope.

•It is best not to make any significant decisions for 12 months. Decisions made during this time are rarely objective and balanced. If possible put on hold any decision that involves a large expenditure.