It is okay to befriend your ex
Posted Sunday, October 27 2013 at 00:00
So you have made it through the horrifying breakup with someone you cared about. Now what? To be friends could be the way to go.
Honestly, there are so many men that can be friends with their exes without any secret desire. But others tend to cling around their exes to either payback, or get ‘some’ more.
Personally, I am friends with two of my exes, and I have absolutely no desire whatsoever (I have since had more beautiful girls, wink!).
When you break up, it does not necessarily mean your ex automatically qualifies to be one of those enemies you never ever want to say “hello” to or even see. Would you expect your girlfriend to completely cut off communication with her ex, and never ever in her entire relationship receive or make a call to her ex?
Yvonne Oluka, a third year student at Makerere University says that when a woman is friends with her ex it means he broke her heart but she still wants him. That is why she keeps him around. “We (women) want men that we cannot have.
Those men that show they do not need us or just play hard to have. If a woman dumps you and she tells you she wants to just be friends,’ it means she does not really want to be your friend, she wants you back. So I would never allow my man to be friends with his ex, never!” Oluka adds.
Kenneth Otunga says, “I called it quits with one girl after dating for barely a month. This is because she kept telling me about her ex. She was not in touch with him and never even saw him again, but our relationship quickly faded after that. I’m jealous and sometimes I get so protective I think that is why our relationship never lasted.”
Deal with it
Peter Mukasa, a counsellor at Kyambogo University in a phone interview said that couples must discuss and agree to certain things. “Start off the discussion by putting the issue at hand; what the problem is. This will help to keep the situation under control. If after starting the conversation calmly, she gets furious, do your best to keep calm.
It takes two to keep an argument going. The best thing to keep in mind in that situation is that-whether it is sex or just flirting- you are essentially hinting at infidelity and that is an incredibly offensive accusation for someone who has been faithful. So, it is entirely possible that her reaction to being attacked is justified here,” Mukasa says.
Open up, it will not hurt
He however emphasises that one way of dealing with this is agreeing to be open. “She has every right to meet with her ex-boyfriend. But, since she has got a history of intimacy with that guy, you have every right to know when they are spending time together.
She may tell you every time he calls or they hang out, and you will not have to ponder jealously about what is going on. This is something that you two will have to mutually agree upon and it will only apply to the interaction that she has with that specific man,” Mukasa adds.
When to discuss
Musa Tugume a businessman agrees to the above and says, “Find a good time to bring it up. The fact that you are not okay with her talking to her ex; explain your dissatisfaction with her actions; since you would like to see the relationship become more serious and mutual.
It is a form of respect to cut off communication with previous intimate partners.
Mention to her that you have chosen to ignore communication with exes and previous partners as a form of mutual respect and expect the same respect in return.” This, he says works perfect.