Love doctors’ take on why people cheat, how to handle it

Panellists talk about relationships. Courtesy Photo

What you need to know:

  • CHEAT ALERT! Cheating ratios are growing by the day in Kampala. Thus Mavuno Church hosted ‘love doctors’ to shed more light on this subject, explores KELLY TAREMWA.

Mavuno Church recently, hosted love doctors and radio presenters including Catherine Ruhweza aka, Mama Tendo, Stefan Jakalam aka Jaluo of Sanyu FM, Val Oketcho of Capital FM and Laura Byaruhanga of XFM to whom Ugandans talk to about love and relationships to share their opinions on this tricky topic.
One married woman said, some women cheat to revenge. “Broken and beaten like a hen which has lost its feathers, they want to hang on the marriage like a wet wall of algae, they think that cheating on men will make them even. So after that nudging impulse to see what maybe John in Accounts actually meant when he said, “You look lovely, Susan!” things get out of control.”

Panelists defined cheating as being unfaithful in marriage and other relationships, whether physical, emotional and psychological. When two people are in a relationship and one person strays, then that is cheating. Being unfaithful in a relationship is all about accountability and when one goes against them, that is cheating. The rest agreed it is beyond physical but Jakalam insisted that it tends to the physical.

How bad is it in Kampala?
According to Jakalam, there is a culture which oozes sex in Kampala. This is not the same thing he experiences in Kenya, his home country. “Somehow the dresses are a little shorter, conversations a little kinkier and it can’t be a surprise that the statistics are on a high end,” Jakalam said. “It seems even if you have a ring on your finger it does not repulse people.” Eighty per cent of the emails sent in to the station mail is cheating conversations.
“It’s rampant and I believe social media has increased it. Anyone can flirt with you at a random click. There is an explosion of unfaithfulness. Women are cheating more than they did before. And it’s everywhere, in church and workplaces,” Mama Tendo commented.
On why it happens. People are looking for what they do not have. All their needs are not met, whether they are realistic or not. To some, it is in their nature that even when they seem to have it all, still they stray. Something that has gradually cropped up.
On how it can be curbed; Mama Tendo believes it is culturally acceptable. Mothers-in-law seem indifferent. They are more comfortable dealing with the fact that there is another woman, than advising the man to stop or the woman to move on. “Just know it’s not always about you. It affects the children, it affects everyone. It’s very selfish when someone cheats because that means it’s all about them and how their emotions are not being not met. So if probably people thought about the consequences then it would be less,” she said.

You cannot have it all
Byaruhanga says, the 20/80 rule, should be applied in relationships. You cannot have everything that you want. “If there is something you will lack at a certain point, then you will appreciate what your partner gives. It’s tiresome to know who to cheat with, and the cover ups, then the energy involved. Generally it is not worth it,” Byaruhanga notes.

What would Jesus do?
Oketcho emphasised that partners should meet each other’s needs. Also, as Christians we should endeavour to always ponder; What would Jesus do! If you are guided by the church, some of the situations would be avoided. “Some people are not on WhatsApp because they closed some doors that were tempting despite the fact that they have smart phones. Cutting off the body part that makes one sin would help, like Jesus says in Mathew 5:30. Ask yourself whether you are ready to lose all that you got. Are you really willing to risk losing it all?”
According to Jakalam, praising a guy when he cheats should be discouraged from childhood. “Relationships are work in progress. Work on them daily. People pretend right from the vows. That “in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, till death do us part!” yet they know it’s not possible,” he says adding, “Cheating has been there and handled differently in different religions like the times of stoning.”

His say

Pastor Micheal Onen preached that cheating is a heart issue which has consequences and we ought to guard ourselves. We ought to put:
1.Guardrails around our hearts. Social media and TV has almost made it okay. You cannot think about it day and night and expect it not to happen. You are entertaining it. Always look away if you can.
2.Guardrails around our behaviour. If a handshake with that guy in office is bad, then a nod will do. At times it is actually not the other person but it is you. Do not accept to fall into temptation. It is up to us.
3.Guardrail of faith. In Psalms 119, how can a man keep himself pure by living according to God’s word? Unless you surrender your heart to God, you will not live a life that is in line with God. It’s always a heart issue that later translates into the physical.