Meetings with the CEO

My dear employee (insert your name here)
Greetings. It has been quite a while since we last met as a family.

Yes, I consider each and every one of you members of my small family here. My heart bursts with pride every time I approach your tiny little cubicles and hear the buzz and hum of activity going on. By the way, how do you like the new open-plan office arrangement? I know a few ingrates have complained that the new arrangement completely eliminates privacy and is too noisy, but people, we have to stay fresh. The buzzword is: Teamwork! Group work! People! Noise! Results!
I would like you to think of me as your father here at Company XY; distant, unapproachable, wealthy, but altogether loving father.

As I have said time and time again, please feel free to approach me with your problems, be they personal or work-related. (But would you first pass these problems through your supervisor and then HR and if HR can’t sort it out maybe you can send a memo to my personal assistant and he will get back to you.)
But where was I? Ah yes! I miss those occasions when, over a cup of tea, we touch base and really get to know what’s going on in our little family.

I miss the awkward small talk around the table.

I treasure seeing you all hanging onto my every word, nodding along as I fill your young, impressionable minds with the decades of knowledge in my head. How lucky you all are to be on the receiving end of such wisdom!
We will be meeting next week on Thursday, probably before lunch, but that depends on how the day goes for me—you never know what time I will show up and call for the meeting! Some of you are always at my throat asking me for the meeting agenda. Can’t a father meet his family without an agenda, I ask you? I will make up the agenda as I go along. You know me, unpredictable genius that I am!

With much excitement,
The CEO/Founder,
Company XY.