Oops! I need a ‘he-wife’

What you need to know:

  • Life as a single woman can be burdensome, especially considering the limited time I have to do all that I need to do.
  • I would not want He-wife to waste precious hours during the day, gossiping with the house girls around the estate and making them pregnant, only to deny responsibility for the little photocopies of him bearing his exact nose and forehead.

I need a wife. Or rather, a cross between a maid and a wife who just so happens to be a man. A man-maid, maybe a he-wife. Life as a single woman can be burdensome, especially considering the limited time I have to do all that I need to do. My he-wife (hefe for short) would be so much more than a mere houseboy, he would make my life simple and introduce some of the comforts that are usually reserved for our married friends- for example, a clean house, a hot meal and someone to grunt at while watching TV. My he-wife would ideally be a meek, lean (being bigger than me might breed some level of arrogance) young man with a good grasp of the English language since when it comes to Luganda my fluency levels are lower than that of a nursery-school child.

He-wife would be in charge of household shopping, cooking, cleaning and ironing. I do not mind outsourcing the clothes-washing to someone else, if it would make him happy and less stressed.
I would not want He-wife to waste precious hours during the day, gossiping with the house girls around the estate and making them pregnant, only to deny responsibility for the little photocopies of him bearing his exact nose and forehead. No, that’s too much drama. Also, I don’t have enough money to pay for paternal tests and lawsuits. And what if the enraged women visit witchdoctors to curse me? I wouldn’t be able to handle it! To avoid all this I will sign a contract with my he-wife stating that if and when he decides to marry and start a family he should deposit copies of his marriage certificate and birth certificates of his progeny with me, as well as presenting his legitimate family to me in a formal ceremony whereby documents would be signed and awkward official photographs taken.
I need a he-wife who will agree to bathe and shave regularly and not embarrass me in front of my visitors with ‘balancing’ trousers or mismatched clothes. He must give me space when I entertain ‘potentials’ and also be able to refrain from making amorous advances towards my female friends, and me especially! He must also never ever serve me my meals without a shirt on-after all I am only human! I guess the ability to sustain a good conversation would also be a plus for my he-wife, but he must be able to discern my moods and learn when and when not to engage me in conversation.
Interviews are ongoing. Serious applicants only!