LETTER FROM KIREKA: Predicting what 2013 will be like

As is the norm, as the clock ticked towards midnight on December 31, we met in the bar to ponder on what the future holds. The bar, under Alfredo’s guidance, brainstormed on what 2013 should be like…

Alfredo: People, I need to congratulate you. We are now in 2013. The optimists will see a fresh chance to set targets and achieve them. The pessimists will see another year closer to their graves.

Rusaniya (our waitress):
And a Ugandan will see another year to ready for tear gas, pink spray and comedy served in Parliament.

Alfredo:
Does that make them optimists or pessimists?

Rusaniya: Makes them Ugandan.

Alfredo: Ok, more importantly, what do we see in 2013?

Masaba: think Parliament will make so much noise that the Treasury will respond. I think we shall see each MP receive Shs100m for some obscure project and when that happens, we can be sure things will return to normal.

Musoga: That is called “putting tarmack” in one’s mouth. The problem is apart from MPs, I don’t see anyone else whose mouth will be tarmacked. The teachers will continue making noise, but will be reminded that keeping out of class is absconding and punishable by sacking.

Iculi: Even the doctors, I see their mouths staying untarmacked. And because of that, you can expect to continue hearing cases of women dying in labour after failing to bribe nurses and doctors.

Alfredo: It can’t be all gloom and doom. What positive things do we anticipate?

Araali: I think our performance on the corruption index will improve. The OPM and Pensions scandal should help us edge out our competitors like Nigeria from the top spot. 2012 was a good year to us, we deserve the full accolades.

Rusaniya: But that said, I guess we shall have another scandal that will make OPM and Pensions look like child play. You remember there was a time someone called Byakutaaga made, off with Shs1 billion for soldiers pay and the country nearly came to a standstill. Today, if you steal Shs1 billion, you don’t even merit space in our tabloids.

Masaba: True that, Rusaniya. When I thought junk choppers saga was in its own league, there came ghost soldiers. When we thought ghost soldiers were a class apart, there came Temangalo, which was short-lived since Chogm rushed to the scene. Now, ghost bicycles, OPM and Pensions leaves me breathless. I think, as a country, we have done well on the corruption front.

Alfredo: Guys, what about on the social scene? What do you see?

Araali: Bad Black lifted the lid on a gold mine many never knew existed. I see more girls trying out their luck at Speke. I think we shall see more dollars flowing in courtesy of these women of the flesh. This should help improve our foreign direct investments.

Iculi: Talking of foreign direct investments, I think we shall have controlled inflation since this is not an election year. There is no strong reason to raid the Central Bank. Of course the figures will get even rosier. My only fear is how we shall replace the choppers that went up in flames in Mt. Kenya. That is where our foreign reserves might be at risk.