Setting high expectations for your children

It is every parent’s desire to have brilliant children who excel in almost every field. No doubt bright children bring joy and pride to their parents, however, not all children can be the same. Some children turn out to be a bit slower in their learning as compared to their age mates and this may cause some parents to set unrealistic expectations for them.

Expectations are not wrong
Stella Namirembe, a mother of a three-year-old, says it is normal for parents to set high expectations for their children. To her, having hope for a child’s future is essential to raising successful children. “Parents who set expectations usually see their children rise to their level of expectation. So, setting the standards at high but achievable levels will cause children to step up their efforts,” she says.
She notes that if a parent does not give much attention to their child’s ability of grasping things as compared to their peers, they may realise when it is rather late that their children are lagging behind in everything.

“I used to keep my child indoors all the time as she was growing up just to keep her clean. To my surprise, I noticed that my neighbour’s child – who is the same age as my child – was grasping things faster than mine. My neighbour’s child was already saying complete sentences while mine could not utter a single word. I started letting my child go outside so that she could learn how to talk.”

Namirembe says ever since that experience, she set targets for her child according to what other children are doing. “If a neighbor’s child, who is as old as mine, is able to interpret something correctly, then why can’t mine interpret it as well?” she asks.
Elizabeth Nakyambadde, a mother and accountant, also sets targets for her children basing on their peers. She says this is supposed to make the children work harder.

“My brother’s children are very bright. They perform better in class when compared to mine, so I usually inspire my children to work hard and succeed like their cousins are doing.”
Nakyambadde notes that although she knows that this is a bit cruel, the comparison compels her children to work harder. “Although my children do not get the same grades as their cousins, they always try their best to achieve the same. However, my caution to parents is that if you notice your child is trying so hard but is finding it impossible to attain the same grades, do not be so harsh to them. Just encourage them to hope that they will one day make it as well.”

Set reasonable expectations According to Margaret Tumusiime a children’s counsellor with Girl Talk Uganda, setting high expectations is the right thing to do and is recommended as long as the expectations are realistic.
“Every parent needs to set targets for their children to help them measure their progress. However, a number of parents set unrealistic targets which children fail to attain. This makes some parents insult their children, calling them dense and not bright enough. Parents need to understand that children are different. Comparing your children to the neighbours’ children is dangerous as it kills their self-esteem and breeds jealousy.”

She advises parents to treat each child as an individual different from the others and that they should know each of their children’s’ capacity so that they keep encouraging them to work hard and get better.
“Parents need to find ways of encouraging positive competition amongst children. If your child is not good in one field, try to find out what they are good and support them.”
Setting high expectations and pushing your child to be like the neighbour’s children may be harmful to their confidence. A good parent is one who appreciates who their child is and encourages them to be better in a positive way.