Sunday January 31 2016

She has not found a husband


By Stella Riunga

Dear women hunters or gatherers,
It has come to our attention that you have been negligent in your duties.

While many of your fellow women have successfully acquired the skills and art necessary to ensnare a man, you have proven yourselves woefully lacking in these social graces.

Our trusted informants tell us that you are busy doing useless activities such as ‘building your careers’, ‘finding yourselves’ and ‘waiting on the Lord for a man’. My dear sisters, who deceived you? Please open your eyes!

In case you went to a high school where grammar was taught as gulama, let us quickly re-educate you. The main purpose of your lives right now should be finding a husband. You see, we are concerned by the fact that you are not concerned!

Please note that your beauty, education, godliness, character development and intellectual achievements will not earn you any marks in our eyes, without this prize husband.

Using our highly advanced, in-built laser sensors, we will track you down at any fundraising, burial, wedding or other social event so as to keep track of your progress in the man-pursuit and loudly remind you that time is flying by. We will also take the liberty to try and match-make you with various unattractive men. We do this only because we care, and we do not want you to grow old alone.

We also maintain the right to ask your long-term boyfriends why they have not proposed to you yet. We are there to APPLY PRESSURE and if this makes them uncomfortable, then so be it.

In the happy event that someone engages you, we remind you that we are part and parcel of the wedding planning.

We insist that you take our advice, comments and suggestions very seriously because after all, we have lived longer than you and thus, we know better.

We will also be very unhappy if you don’t invite our entire extended clans to your function. Please note that we do not understand the meaning of ‘invite-only’. It is an invention of the devil.

Yours Sincerely,
Your aunts, grandmothers, church women, assorted busybodies and the rest of society.