The world could end

It has almost become very fashionable to predict the end of the world. The writer takes this opportunity to make his own prediction about the world ending in 2013.

If you have been spending a bit of your valuable time in that small suburb in our galaxy called planet earth, you will have noticed that there is a dangerous addiction on the loose, gripping one mad man after another, at the beginning of every New Year, all the time.

And every time any of these wackos does their thing, they get the whole lot of the world’s media following in their tracks, counting down their hours and minutes to Armageddon together. They trend on Twitter, worldwide. They get mentions on the BBC World Service. CNN does a 30-minute special on their prediction, complete with interviews and expert analysis from religious scholars. Even our local TV stations over here go to the streets and ask ordinary folk what they think about the looming disaster.

Taking my turn
You see, I also crave such attention. I also like to be fashionable. I want to be the talk of the town, heck, talk of the world even. I also want the world to take a break, for busy bankers and stock brokers on Wall Street to pause their trading and cashing of payments to see if it will all come tumbling down like dominoes, at just the exact time I will have created, at which the world will end.

I will predict the end of the world. And yes, according to me, I, the master seer who communes directly with the almighty on a direct uninterrupted line, all the time; I, the holy man who has spent my whole life in prayer and supplication in preparation for the coming of the Lord; I, the benevolent prophet who does not want to see you useless sinful creatures reading this to go and burn away in hell forever, vehemently declare, that the world will end in the year 2013.

There you have it. Now please, start panicking. As soon as you read this, I want you to get in touch with me and find out how on earth you can be saved when the day of complete annihilation finally comes beckoning for your poor soul. I want you to pray. I want you to seek the Lord like never before. I want you to shun all worldly pleasures and turn to the lord; and by that I am meaning all possessions of vanity like fancy smart phones, computers, cars, fancy clothes, and the lot, should be shunned for items of modesty.

It is all in the number 13
Such fancy possessions will not get you through the tribulations when they finally start. God frowns upon vanity. He hates vanity like it is sin itself. As a way of saving your soul, just gather all those items and drop them at my door. I, and I alone, know how to cleanse such items of the untold evil they wield.

I do not need to do a lot to prove that the world will end this year. There are many proofs lurking around that I could use. The first and foremost proof is that the year 2013 ends with the digits “13”. There you have it. The very numerical representation of all the bad luck in the world is fully represented in the digits of the year. I know the bad luck theme occurs on Friday the 13th, but hello! 13 is already part of the bad luck formula.

You see digits of dates mean a lot to people who make up end of the word dates, remember 12-12-12, or even 21-12-12? So I will also choose a date with repeated digits. Something like Friday, September 13, 2013 would be a very good idea. In fact, it is even better because it will be Friday the 13th.

The end of the world will occur at about 11 pm on Friday, September 13, this year. Many of you sinners are likely to be out in the bars, drinking and sinning like there is no tomorrow. Well, there will be no tomorrow. And those of you found frolicking and feeding your body’s sinful urges, will suffer the unbearable torment of everlasting damnation.

The nuclear war
Still not convinced that the world will end this year? Here is more proof. There could be a nuclear war. I am meaning here a nuclear world war. We all suspect that Iran is creating a nuclear weapon. And that it does not have a lot of love for Israel. We also know that North Korea, which tested a long-range rocket (missile), is nuclear armed and does not have a lot of love for the West. And the West is nuclear armed. You look at these scenarios, put two and two together and you get five. One nuclear strike after another and we are all rubble.

Under the huge waves of Lake Victoria
And what about climate change? You don’t think it’s serious? When was the last time you saw it rain on Christmas Day? Christmas used to be a hot sunny affair, now it rains all day long. That, my dear readers, marks the end of civilisation as we know it. Things could start by having a tsunami on Lake Victoria, which would then flood the entire country.

So I am going to book advertising space on billboards across major capital cities in the world, asking people to repent for the day of the Lord is coming. I should not worry about funding for the adverts because the multibillion-dollar industry called the church would not mind sparing me a few hundred thousand to pay these off, as long as I will deliver more customers, sorry, souls for Christ.
And on Friday, September the 13, I will go in hiding and watch the world end from a discreet location.

I will need to hide because, well, you never know. God works in mysterious ways, he may change his date of return on the last minute. He usually does that. And if by any chance he changes his mind, then we will gather on September 14, and then look forward to another date of the Lord’s return.

jabimanyi@ug.nationmedia.com