Letter From Kireka: We should have listened to Saleh

Last week, it was revealed that Gen. Salim Saleh had written to the Inspector General of Government, asking that all corrupt officials be pardoned but after they had declared their ill-gotten wealth. We thought this was a fantastic idea. In the bar, we designed a “Declaration of Corruption Assets” form, which we propose be filled by all these repentant thieves. Our chair, Alfredo, filled it and here are the details.

DECLARATION OF CORRUPTION AND CONFESSION FORM
PART A. PERSONAL DETAILS

Name: Alfredo
Age: 35
Accountant
Duration in service: Five years
University attended: Makunika
Degree gained: 2nd Lower
Department: Government
Current position: Principal Accountant
Previous position: Junior Accountant
Current weight: 12OKgs
Weight five years ago: 45Kgs
Marital status: Married with two children but also have several mistresses.

PART B: WORK DETAILS
Job Description: Balancing books of accounts, lounging around, drinking coffee and making phone calls.
Time for reporting to duty: 10.30am
Lunch Time: 12.30pm
Afternoon Session: 2.30pm
Departure from office: 4pm.
How did you get the job? Uncle sits on recruiting commission.
Do you like your job? It could do with less meetings and recruit more female interns.
Where do you see yourself in five years: Was looking at being permanent secretary.
How do you intend to get there? How else, my uncle should come in handy.

PART C. WEALTH DECLARATION
Number of bank accounts: Seven
Breakdown of accounts: Account 1—for salary; account 2—kickbacks and commissions; account 3—dollar account; account 4—differences on projects; account 5—jointly-owned with boss; account 6—jointly owned with madam and account 7—returns from projects like my flats, taxis, farm and others I would not want madam to know.
Amount on each account: Account 1 (Shs2m); account 2 (Shs1.2b); account 3 ($70,000); account 4 (Shs700m); account 5 (Shs2b); account 6 (Shs10m); account 7 (Shs500m).
List of Liabilities: Bank loan (Shs15m); loan sharks (Shs20m), Speke Road clients (Shs2m).
Fixed assets: Six-unit flat in Naalya, three-bedroom bungalow in Mutungo, five-bedroom mansion in Namugongo (which I occupy with my family), 200x500 plot in Nakawa (I intend to build a hostel), five-acre farm on Gayaza Road and 20 acres of land in the village.
Assets of close relatives: Wife: Runs supermarket in town centre, owns three boutiques in down town, owns two salons, is director of a kindergarten and is majority shareholder in our tour and travel company.
First Born (Araali): Aged nine, he is the minority shareholder in his mum’s tour company and also owns shares in a publicly-listed company worth Shs100m.
Second born (Rusaniya); Aged five, our land in Luzira overlooking the lake is registered in her names.

PART D. CONFESSION (It is important that you confess the truth and nothing but the truth. What you say in this section determines if you will be granted amnesty)
How you accumulated your wealth: When I had just joined government, all I made was a small difference on the procurement deals. I remember on the first project I handled, we were to make purchases worth Shs500m. One of the suppliers indicated to me that he could offer the goods at Shs300m and we could split the rest. He opened my eyes because thereafter, “enjawulo” became my middle name. It has been a great ride since then. Of course more crumbs of Shs100m, Shs200m, and Shs350m kept coming through but I will never forget the year 2007.
Everyone has their turning point, that was mine. I remember the government decided to host an international conference of heads of state. You should have seen us. I pitied my friends who were seeking to be placed on protocol and such committees. I strategically positioned myself on the procurement and contracts committee. As they say, the rest is history. That conference gave me the kickstart I needed in life. Today, I attribute all my success to this conference.

PART E. CONCLUSION (Make a commitment never to steal taxpayers’ money again)
I, Alfredo, do solemnly swear that having stolen enough from the Ugandan government and its people, today renounce my corrupt ways. I promise to begin on a new slate of hard work, honesty and diligence. If I am found stealing again, let me be shot.

PART F. (FOR OFFICIAL USE ONLY)
Accepted:_______________
Rejected:________________
Signed: IGG
Date: _____________________

dwanyama@ug.nationmedia.com