What not to tell a pregnant friend

And we are back! Today, I continue to guide you away from disastrous comments that will drive your heavily pregnant colleague up the proverbial wall. This is a special call to those who feel they must say something when faced with a heavily swollen belly. Before you comment, take a deep breath, remember the points below and think.

1. “I have a friend who...”
Your colleague’s inner thoughts: Before you go on, let me interrupt you. I do not want to hear anything about your friend’s perfect, textbook pregnancy, perfect/nightmare delivery, brave decision not to take any pain medication during birth, and/or miraculous ability to spout breast milk like a fountain.
No. 1 - I am not her, she is not me, and I do not give a hoot about her. No. 2- if you have nothing useful to say then please move right along. Refer to point one last week- I am tired!

2. Where to look
Your colleague’s inner thoughts: Please note, my face has not migrated to my belly. It is still right where you left it. I know my nose may have spread out further than you remember and I might be a few shades darker too but rest assured, it is still me!
So, please address your conversation to my face and not my stomach. Do you see me talking to your pregnant male stomach? I have ignored it all this time despite the fact that it is growing faster than our national debt. Be kind and return the favour!

3. “Have you tried...?”
Your colleague’s inner thoughts: I have talked to countless mothers, consulted various books, blogs, vlogs and doctors to try and mitigate my various discomforts such as, back pains, leg pains, headaches, acne, and heartburn. I am also aware of the various methods thought to bring on labour quickly. Thank you for your comment but it is utterly, absolutely useless to me at this juncture.
So, all it takes, dear brethren, to get along with your heavily pregnant colleague is some compassion and common sense. But if all else fails, smile and keep your mouth shut!