Brethren, now that residents of my home city are just recovering from a cholera outbreak, I recently found myself enraged when I witnessed a woman coming out of the toilet and happily marching straight outside, with barely a glance at the sparkling clean sink and the soap in front of her. Not a care in the world! I found myself entertaining a pleasant day-dream in which I ‘arrested’ her by hoisting her in the air (she was a lot smaller than I am) and frog-marching her to the sinks, where I would force her, like a toddler, to wash her hands.
Brethren, this blatant refusal to observe the most basic principles of hygiene amounts to terrorism, and we must not negotiate with the terrorists. Never! We must go the Singapore way, which I read even has laws regarding the proper use of public toilets, and police to enforce those laws.
In an imaginary world where soap and water in public toilets is readily available, and the law of the land is obeyed and respected, this is the fate that would await these shameless Hygiene Terrorists:
A) A motion- activated alarm goes off if one uses the toilet and does not wash their hands, immediately locking the suspect inside the toilet.
B) When this alarm goes off, the hygiene police rush in and use reasonable force (I am not ruling out a full-body drenching) to ensure the offender washes their hands.
C) The offender pays a fine of Shs50, 000, for a first-time offence and Shs100,000 for second and third-time offences. Repeat offenders (second and third time) are arrested and charged with Terrorism and Intent to Spread Disease.
D) Second and third-time offenders are named and shamed by having their photos and names put up in the toilet where the offence was committed. Children are encouraged to jeer at them.
E) Once a month, third-time offenders have their faces and names displayed in a special TV broadcast and announced on national radio. Offenders clean public toilets while wearing bright orange overalls as punishment.
Please encourage your friends to wash their hands after using the toilet. Thank you.