Sunday August 24 2014

Without a trace


By Stella Riunga

These days you just never know. Life is so unpredictable. You wave goodbye to a friend or relative at the airport of your third-world country, knowing they will return on such-and-such a date but alas! It is not always so.

I was reading the papers when I came across a slim article talking about the disappearance of certain athletes after the recently concluded Commonwealth Games. Having ruled out kidnap or murder, I think the only other explanation is that the mythical Loch Ness water monster is alive and well in Scotland.

The games in Glasgow must have provided good feeding grounds for our not-so-cuddly monster. I can imagine it moving its heavy body from the Scottish Highlands and hiding somewhere in the outskirts of the city, just waiting for some delicious, well- toned athlete. And its patience was rewarded with one Leon Mutangana, coach of the Rwandan athletics team. Another tasty meal for nasty Ness was in the form of Mohammed Tholley, a mountain biker from Sierra Leone who also disappeared during the event.

If my Loch Ness theory is right, then the greedy monster must have also lost a lot of weight crossing half the UK to hunt down the Cameroonian athletes who disappeared from the Olympic Village in London, 2012. Nessy Ness was also very busy across continents in 2006, when a whole nine athletes from Tanzania, Sierra Leone and Bangladesh also ‘disappeared’ from the Commonwealth Games in Australia.

I am no expert in Loch Ness feeding habits (but I’m sure there is some weirdo out there who has spent his/her entire life doing research on nothing else) but if they are anything like anacondas, then the men were swallowed whole, ready to be regurgitated at leisure.

There is, therefore, an off chance that Ness developed a terrible stomach upset and was forced to get rid of its unusual meal, somewhere between the city and its lair. So don’t be surprised if the missing men turn up a few weeks or months later in the arms of a foreign lover or engaged in some vyeyo somewhere.

This life, stranger than fiction!