With that Shs14m semen, you get a baby of your choice

The images shared on social media of the attractive Mulago Specialised Women and Neonatal Hospital would heal a stage three cancer patient. Just looking at those images and you would be like, “wow!” and then just get cured. Just like that.

But it wasn’t exactly the same for Linda. The young woman has had some complications for a while and the opening of the new facility gave her renewed hope of seeking better medical management from within the country at affordable rate. “It looks well equipped too. Finally, the taxpayers sweat is being put to a worthwhile cause outside the roads sector,” she said.

And then a few days ago, some posts started flying around on social media showing rates for services at the new medical facility. Linda says she just looked at the rates and got cured. Just like that.

“If I need to sell my kidney to treat UTI at a medical facility, then that facility is not meant for me,” she said, adding that she had opted for antibiotics from a local drug shop instead.

Well, I was talking to this guy about Linda’s urinary tract infection and how she had to cancel the excitement of visiting Mulago Specialised Women and Neonatal Hospital and this guy simply said for “those non-exotic ailments, you guys go to Kawempe and Kiruddu and health centre IVs.”

He explained to me that the new facility is not being called “specialised” for nothing. “Did you see what pumping sperm into a patient costs…” he had started asking when I cut him shot by stating that it costs a plot of land in a town and that is generations of one’s lineage ruined. But he insisted the fee was justified. “If you buy an acre of land and build a bungalow on it, how will you talk about generations of your lineage when you got no sperm to count home?” he asked.

I wasn’t in the mood for arguing because we were talking at a time police and military had literally flooded the city to handle Bobi Wine’s return.

I didn’t want my arguments to be misread as some noise being made in favour of Bobi Wine lest I ended up being mistaken for a camera thief after a thorough beating.

So I simply agreed with this fellow and told him that I actually knew about the facility better than even some specialist doctors deployed in there. I decided to regale him with the kind of script that could make a blockbuster in Bombay film industry, Bollywood.

“Actually, that ka 14 ma is nothing,” I said with emphasis to annoy him. “Fact is, when you get a dosage of that sperm, you don’t have to worry about nine months of waiting for the child to grow in your womb.”

I explained that a consultant had intimated to me that if a woman partook in the Shs14 million sperm, they would be instantly ripe and would be ready to download their software that would come without any glitch whatsoever.

“Labour pain will be history at the new facility. For just Shs14 million, you don’t have to worry about another Shs2 million for C-Section as your tot will just glide down the uterus like it was Bobi Wine’s supporters fearing to show up before police and military on Entebbe Road,” I said.

The bunny took it more seriously than I had expected and chipped in with relish. “Yes, I’m told if you don’t want your child to be bothered by their skin tone and consider bleaching, you just go to Mulago now and for only Shs14 million, you are guaranteed a baby of whatever colour you desire,” he said.

“The babies will be free of neonatal ailments, they will come with teeth, natural self-cleaning diapers that don’t need changing and will be walking as soon as they suckle their mother’s breast for the first time.”

I asked him where the sperm would come from, he just looked at me like Angazi. So I told him I was considering starting a sperm bank that would be supplying Mulago. Since those guys charge Shs14 million per shot, I reckon I will be paid Shs10 million per shot of fresh sperm.

Noticing that he still looked lost, I asked if he knew the sperm we were talking about. “Why not? Who doesn’t know sperm?” he retorted and then for emphasis, he spelled out the word. S.P.A.M.