Sunday December 31 2017

18 resolutions for 2018


By Jacobs Odongo Seaman

We are told some 85 per cent of Ugandans are in no mood to relive 2017 without chewing the sides of their tongues out of anger. There is a lot to forget but life goes on into the new year.
If you are the kind in the habit of forgetting to make resolutions, we are going to give you a reason to never do so again right here. If you have been making them but not living and realising them, you are no better than those pastors who profess a creed but cannot truly live it. Only doctors and this column have the monopoly of preaching the head of a coin while living the tail end of it.

18. Live your resolutions
Resolutions are very meaningless things to those who own diaries but never jot a word in there except a few telephone contacts. If you are like that, then you are as well just another of our MPs (read useless). Once you decide to make resolutions, you must fulfill it. Again, only doctors and this column are free to caution against playing cards with kids but still do it.

17. Play cards
Talking of cards, I saw a jolly good picture of the son of Kaguta and the great grandchildren of Kaguta passing humble time playing cards. From the way he held his cards, he isn’t a player. I guess he only knows how to play chess, the game of wits. Two things from Kaguta’s epic photo: learn to play cards with your children.

If you can’t play cards, try omweso, kawuna, ludo or checkers. Politically, the cards can be you, it’s how a politician holds them that defines stuff. Like the son of Kaguta would sympathise with grandchild on his left and not show her the wrath of a Joker and yet another time he will whip the living daylight out of her with ‘pick two’. What card are you? Does the Joker look like Abiriga or Magyezi? Is that red club Oulanyah?

16. Forget Kadaga
Oh, when we mention cards, we mean playing cards. It doesn’t matter how much urge you get to complete the syntax and come up with something like Cardaga. Let’s move on now. Those guys owned 2017, but we can plan for 2018 where they will be very irrelevant to our lives and making less news like…

15. Ignore political run-arounds
… Beti Kamya. This one wanted to own 2017. She had these antennae that convinced her that she might have lost Rubaga seat at her last shot as Beti Kamya of some party whose name I can’t remember, but now she can canvass and win it for the son of Kaguta. Someone find Kamya and tell her that there is a new hound in town, who is scenting all the yummy blood in 2018 already. But it is this resolution’s guide to not pay them much attention.

14. Ignore them some more
Beatrice Anywar is her name and besides coming out of her camouflage, she is going to do the usual shameless things the rest of the political scavengers before her have done: lavish praises on Kaguta, order yellow garment from Singapore and make tents in the name of clothing and probably pee on a ministry wall. But we already confirmed that the Kitgum Woman MP is an epitome of confusion. She boldly voted YES that day and hours later denied it. She will even deny she denied and could even deny this is 2018. Better eat ffene than listen to her.

13. Avoid deception this year
When you are bald, you are bald. Wearing a hat won’t grow hair strands back. In 2018, we must demand accountability for everything. Let everyone wear specs to read cards, have their bald in the open, etc so we can tell that they are this or that aged.

12. Trust only your nose
The biggest lesson from 2017 is that no one is trustworthy enough for you to throw your future at. Suddenly, Beti Kamya was yapping like she was weaned inside that huge white van of a toilet or toilet of a van that serves Kaguta. In Busoga, there is this man Nelson Lufafa, who was served cold in his age limit consultation and even went on social media to declare he would abide by the wishes of the people of Butembe. Come D-Day, Lufafa served the wish of his party. Trust no one.

11. We have run out of space
2017 has been full of Abiriga and Kamya, try to make light of 2018 by focusing on your family. If you forget, scroll back top and read No.17. Play cards.
Happy New Year!