Let’s help Anywar get her NRM wish

This bloody autocorrect, I type A-n-y-w-a-r and the thing changes it to ‘any war’. It has happened so many times that I have allowed. What would you do knowing the subject is fighting just about ‘any war’ to gain the favourable attention of the President? It is rumoured that there will be a Cabinet reshuffle in the wake of Gen Kale Kayihura and Gen Henry Tumukunde sackings.

We thought Elly Tumwine had already eaten big, but it appears that the former Opposition firebrand and so-called Mama Mabira needs help. She has been kicking and yelping like a starved puppy disturbing the peace of its master at 3am, but we don’t seem to be paying much attention to her.
Being good citizens, we have decided to tip Anywar on the things to do to gain the fastest attention of the President. In fact, some of these things, if she followed this advice to the letter, will not only get her the attention but also ministry of her choice.
So, Anywar, sit down and don’t even blink. Read on.
Stage and foil an attack against the person of Mama Janet
Over time, Ugandans have learnt that Museveni can allow his cartoon in the most graphic manners to pass. As long as you don’t go after ‘his hat’ (which we figure is the seat of his power), Museveni will not care until you touch of the person of the First Lady. On Women’s Day, he said himself that “If you disturb or touch my wife, I would rather die with you.”
The tip here is simple. Plant some fellows to say a lot of bad things about ‘Museveni’s wife’. Say, ask them to say that Janet did ABC wrongs in Karamoja during her time as minister for that seemingly cursed region. Museveni will be seething. He will want to die with someone. Of course, some Ugandans would wish this happens, but don’t get the wrong idea, God’s own is here to stay pakalast.
As Museveni seethes, now you come in and call ‘his wife’ all sorts of dotty names. Mama Janet, Fountain of Motherhood, Mother of Nation… then come up with a group of urchins; pay them to hold placards praising Janet. Beat your breast and swear that no one will insult the mother of the nation when you are still alive. Tell the nation that whoever insults the First Lady is worse than the swine, Besigye, Kony, ADF, Amin and Obote combined.

And to make the statement more valid, remind the nation that the NRM government that you have been serving since 1976 has defeated Obote, Amin, Kony, Muteesa II, ADF and even the bean weevil in Uganda police.
Such a mark of flattery will not miss the attention of the ‘Leopard’ and your Cabinet slot would be cemented when the old man reminds whoever it was that insulted ‘his wife’ that he will die with them. Of course, you, Anywar, won’t be the one dying.

Open any war on Besigye
Anywar, you can also open any war on Dr Kizza Besigye. It is Besigye who came and sabotaged progress so much that Qatar, UAE, Malaysia and Japan overtook Uganda and now Kampala is treated to mockery of being compared to that tiny Kigali.
However, this page will drop you some two-pence: avoid criticising fwaaa. Read into the situation first. Or come to us for tutorials if Kamya is too busy grafting her eyebrows to care to pay you attention.
Like you praising Kale Kayihura. You don’t just jump around praising someone Museveni has just sacked in the name of attacking Besigye and the Opposition because the following day Museveni will call those persons bean weevils and you will look so cheap and foolish like washed makeup in the rain.

Start a newspaper column
Yes, there is a publication that will guarantee you space to abuse Museveni on weekly basis or even twice a week. Just call it the ‘NRM Ideology Reloaded’. Use the column to remind the nation that everything you have done in your life, including taking a shower, was with the blessing of NRM. For a fee, Anywar, we can do the write-up every week and simply graft your name at the bottom.
If all these do not work, then Beatrice Anywar, our dear, you have been dumped before even you are used.

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