MPs with pending court cases threaten to petition over car cash

As members with pending court cases begin to realise from WhatsApp group chats that their fate could be different from the rest, the mood begins to boil.
Munyagwa: [posts picture of Beti addressing a crowd while standing by a puddle on the street] with the caption: ‘Wasn’t the minister for Kampala seeing the puddle at her feet?’
Olanya: Those people are programmed to see only glitter.
Amero: Beware of pictures picked from social media in this age of Photoshop.
Beti: That picture was manipulated.
Fungaroo: Whether it was manipulated or not doesn’t change the fact that Kampala is dirty and needs clean up. The message in the picture is clear.
Beti: Get a life.
Ssewanyana: Beti, if your ministry doesn’t have enough funds, be like Jeje who has turned to the media to seek the attention of his boss.
Nadduli: Hmmm!
Munyagwa: Why would a minister turn to the media when they seat in Cabinet and discuss those things? Shouldn’t he be crying out to Matia instead?
Franca: Maybe he didn’t want to suffer the Nadduli fate.
Jeje: I don’t take kindly to ridicule like that.
Kivumbi: Eh, now Gen Jeje forgets he is retired?
Bahati: A general is a general, just ask Otafiire.
Otafiire: For once, he speaks sense. Boys, run. Flee. When you hear of a general, flee. Leave matters of generals to generals.
Nsereko: So was Jeje lobbying in his capacity as a general or as a minister?
Rugunda: What is all this about generals? People might think Jeje is my boss.
Ssekandi: I will summon these people to answer for their loud talks.
Bahati: You better, VP. Only God knows when it was you last did something as a VP.
Lubwama: Some might not like this, but how come I haven’t yet received my car cash?
Munyagwa: The ATM has arrived.
Mbogo: Poor Sematimba!
Matia K: The money is being paid in groups, instalments. No reason to worry. Just be patient like a mother carrying a baby in her womb.
Lubwama: You talk as if we shall withdraw the money with labour pains.
Matia K: I said be patient. You rush, you crash.
Ssewanyana: Mbogo, why pity Sematimba? What don’t we know?
Munyagwa: There are whispers in the corridors that the MPs with pending court cases won’t get the car cash until their petitions are disposed of.
Sematimba: Not true.
Mbogo: So have you got the money?
Nandala: Naturally, that is how it is supposed to be. What happens after such legislators are given the cash and then tomorrow they are thrown out? Will Parliament pay the rightful MPs replacing those the courts will throw out as well?
Katuntu: And yet Parliament cannot compel the ‘bicupuli’ MPs to refund the car cash once it is released.
Lubwama: Why don’t they just give me all my money at once instead of the little I got? Can’t these people just channel what they are withholding from giving the fake MPs to us bona fide?
Fungaroo: Lubwama, that movie you are acting in, we know the plot and how it will end. They say however wide a hippo’s mouth might be, it cannot drink up the lake.
Lubwama: I have proposed something worth looking into. There is money not being paid to nearly 80 people. That is nearly Shs1 billion.
Nabeta: So if they don’t pay us, does it mean we are not working now? There is no such a law. We are duly executing our responsibilities as MPs until such a time that the courts dispose of our petitions. Until then, we are MPs.
Sematimba: As a matter of fact, I have received my money. What is the farce then? If we receive salary, our voice in Parliament is official, our votes on matters on the floor are counted, why should we be denied the car cash?
Aleper: Can’t someone clarify this?
Ecweru: Who will clarify when the deputy speaker is down with divorce settlement issues and the speaker…
Nankabirwa: Sematimba has clarified enough that he received his money.
Lufafa: Sematimba receiving the money doesn’t clarify anything. It could be some favouritism.
Ssekikubo: Indeed, he is literally yellow.
Sematimba: Let’s not go there.
Nabeta: Matia, say something otherwise we are going to petition as a group. This doesn’t make sense. It is very unfair. We shall not be shoved around when our rights are being trampled on.
Munyagwa: Hehehe, looks like Nabeta is clutching at a straw. Can’t we add Obore for a few minutes on the group so he clarifies?
Baseke: Actually, he should be on this group in some way.
Mwijukye: @Munyagwa, just ask him personally and relay the message to the rest of us.
Franca: Yes, just ask him.
Ecweru: But the speaker and her deputy are right here on this group.
Oulanyah: Honourable members, Uganda is for us all. We have enough money, but it cannot just be withdrawn and disbursed all at once without proper planning. As for my divorce…
Nabeta: You have said nothing.
Mbago: Eh, Nabeta, just run to Parliament Commission and confirm everything first-hand.
Baseke: Man made money and money made man mad.
Fungaroo: @Baseke that makes sense whenever Lubwama types something on this forum.
Obua: I wonder when my share is knocking on my account.
Lokeris: So deputy speaker, does your planning include Nabeta? The fellow might die of hypertension just waiting to learn the truth.
Oulanyah: Good people, why put selves under pressure? Be patient; don’t rush like a woman seeking divorce. We are paying in groups because the money is not released in lump sum. Anyone who will still be in Parliament record as MP when money is paid will be paid. Just do me one favour: don’t go and buy Galaxy Note 7 and bring it to the House.
Musumba: Very self-deprecating there.
Lubwama: Too bad.
Nabeta: Lubwama, you will be fine. At least now this sounds like the thing.

DISCLAIMER

This is a humour column and the views expressed henceforth may not necessarily be an objective assessment of the individual or group.