Opposition MPs want Kakande arrested

This week, prophet Kakande is alleged to have announced the sale of ‘holy rice’ with a kilo going for a whopping Shs50,000 [Ed. note: This newspaper cannot verify the claims] . The alleged scheme left many legislators furious and demanded his arrest.
Kisa: Let’s welcome Salaam Musumba to this forum.
Nakate: What do you mean welcome?
Mwesigye: There will be bye-election. She just slapped Watongola in the face, that’s all.
Oguzu: I don’t think the Hajat is eligible for the bye-election.
Gonahasa: So Watongola used the name ‘Hajat Rehema Watongola’ on her PLE documents, what a bloody blunder!
Anite: I don’t see anything wrong with someone using their name.
Gonahasa: Until you find out that ‘Hajat’ is not a name but a title.
Anite: Suppose I name my child Miss or Mister, no law will forbid that, right?
Gonahasa: Sure, but I suppose you wouldn’t name your child Watongola at birth either because that is the husband’s name. Or maybe she was married at the time she sat PLE?
Bafaki: Why are we discussing court issues here? In any case, the court pronounced itself on the matter. She could have sat PLE under adult education.
Muhanga: She can contest again.
Gonahasa: Using what academic documents again?
Taban: I think my friend Mbabaali was kicked out from Bukoto South but he is right here.
Mbabaali: Well, I had the papers. There were just some problems. I don’t know about Watongola.
Watongola: You guys will be very fine.
Kisa: Admin, why not add Salaam to the group already?
Kabaije: I hear the admin was picked up around Makerere over debt.
Munyagwa: Come on, Kabaije. Did you join malwa group?
Ecweru: Why is Kisa rooting for Salaam before she has duly won the elections? In any case, her husband is on this forum and can update her.
Musumba: Ecweru, I will have you bleached with my words.
Ecweru: That is not you, Musumba. Don’t go native like Alaso.
Baseke: Which Alaso, Alice?
Ecweru: Yep! The FDC lady has accused another FDC lady or something like that. Anyway, I don’t want to meddle in FDC affairs. But why is Musumba angry when I mention that he is the husband of Salaam?
Fungaroo: The same reason Odoi gets angry when you mention Opendi.
Opendi: Don’t get me started, please?
Lubwama: Why doesn’t Opendi and Odoi reconcile for the good of their party?
Opendi: Speak for your dead party, that is if you have one even.
Watongola: I will win the bye-election come what may.
Ssemujju: In this NRM government, anything is possible, including someone getting thrown out for lack of proper academic documents, who should actually be behind bars for academic fraud. That is why we have people selling holy rice at Shs50,000 a kilo.
Wamai: Seriously, is that story serious?
Zaake: Instead of whining here and picking your nostrils, why not come up with a motion or a new Bill on freedom of worship?
Nambooze: Kakande should be arrested immediately. We can’t just let people like that defraud the masses.
Oseku: How will you arrest someone who is guarded by military police? I mean, he does everything with the blessing and order from above.
Fr Lokodo: We need to review freedom of worship. Times have changed and we must change to survive.
Odonga: In support of the review, we need it fast otherwise one of these days another Kibwetere will emerge.
Fungaroo: We first need to arrest Kakende. Enough is enough. People are dying of poverty and we have someone masquerading around to defraud the poor citizens?
Fr Lokodo: Arrest might be too much of asking but regulation should be easy.
Mwijukye: But how will you regulate churches when they are in cohorts with the first family?
Anite: This is false. Why drag the first family into Kakande’s issues?
Munyagwa: Some of the members of the first family own churches. They are pastors, or so they say.
Mwijukye: If my memory serves me right, the president was the ‘chief launcher’ at Kakande’s rice farm. He praised the man who used his followers’ money to start a farm that has produced the rice he now calls ‘holy’. Crap!
Babirye: Arrest a pastor for serving his followers? He hasn’t broken any law and is not forcing anyone to buy the rice.
Mbogo: But anyone can prove that rice is not holy.
Babirye: In economics, it’s called price discrimination. Holy or not, it’s just rice. Kakande happens to double as a farmer and a businessman. He understands price tags. See, the followers aren’t complaining. Let them buy as long as they can afford.
Matia: Do these churches pay taxes?
Jovan: Taxes? That is a burden pastors don’t know exist. To make their point, they even smuggle in wines and whatnot.
Munyagwa: Pastors are drug lords.
Karooro: Look at this lost one, firing cheap shots.
Ecweru: Kakande’s rice, it is like consensual sex between two adults; the seeker and the willing. You can’t arrest Odoi for his deeds with Opendi even if she now calls him a brief and ugly man.
Mbogo: Yike! You mean Odoi is actually…
Opendi: I know this group has banter and I like that, but there is a limit to jokes. The next one word will get someone my lawyer’s call.
Fungaroo: But at least tell us about Odoi’s brief-ness.
Opendi: I said he was a short man… not my kind of man. Brief and whatever is none of my business.
Ecweru: Ah, we thought you were speaking figuratively as per his brief activities.
Fr Lokodo: Wait, what is not happening here? Are we being run by that tabloid in Namanve? This is rotten. I shudder to read such discourse coming from honourable members.
Emoru: Alaso, come and tell us about Atocon.
Nsubuga: That was quite petty of Alaso. The shocker is that she is fingering the wrong person.
Angella: Maybe her account was hacked into
Mbogo: Let her backtrack and claim hacking.
Ecweru: What if it is her?
Ssemujju: Then she needs a bowl of ‘holy rice’ from Kakande.
Mpuuga: Complete with a glass of the ‘holy water’ too.
Fungaroo: And delivered by military police escorts.
Babirye: Eh, you guys are funny.
Nsereko: Guys should be finding a common ground against the speaker for banning us from trips abroad.
Bahati: Now check this sleeping pill! That was for just two days. Did you catch Otafiire’s bug at such a young age?
Karooro: Now with this, I am out of here!
Otafiire: Your claim to fame is calling out my name, right?