Why government should interest itself in cougars

Yes, we will say it here; it’s time this government interested itself in cougars more than the energy we are seeing courts exhaust in horny boys and girls. This is about imports vs exports or balance of trade as economists might call it.

Recently, we heard rumours that someone whined that his hard-earned dollars from sale of cows and coffee ends up in the bank accounts of Indian betting magnets and other foreign investors disguised as Silicon Valley geeks. And, in quick succession, two horny youths have been arraigned in courts, charged and sent to Luzira, never mind that Lilian Rukundo and Brian ‘Lust’ Isiko were arrested many weeks after some Kawukumi whose fate remains a mind game more complicated than VAR use against African teams at the World Cup.

Rukundo and Isiko are currently State guests who, baring psychological encumbrance that comes with the constant realisation that they are in prison, have the luxury of free meals, won’t pay water and electricity bills, let alone worry about MoMo and social media taxes. They are living like free birds now.

Anyway, since the Oga says we need more dollars coming in than going out, how about the empty lair called cougar? Empty not because of the name of this page but in the fact that even if Isiko got his lustful wish with a cougar, he wouldn’t bring home no baby. His ‘It’s Coming Home’ campaign would end in punting and huffing for 120 minutes with nothing but the head bowed flabby in defeat at the end (we love the pun).
But there is something about cougars that this country needs to invest in and fully understand. It has some magic wand. Like this youthful fellow picked a cougar and overnight, he had become president of a European powerhouse. What more, tonight, his country will probably ‘bring home’ the World Cup trophy. He might not have his own ‘It’s Coming Home’ blissful moment but if he gets the golden trophy, it will be the dividends of cougar.

Over the last couple of years, Ugandan youths have been on a mission to get rich or die cougaring. We might not be authoritative in commenting about the results of their pursuits, but we know that Ronald Ssemawere, aka Gunvor Ace, didn’t land any jackpot, so is the bizarre story of a one Aziz.

These guys, and many like them, failed in their CDI (cougar direct investment) not because they didn’t have the proper dollar mining equipment but because this government didn’t support them. The government is only interested in FDIs and has overlooked CDIs and the result is Aziz actually taking out our dollars after Mama Fiina had to come to his cougar’s rescue.
This should not be happening. If we can put in place a pornography committee, why can’t we also look into setting up one for CDIs? It’s clear that this government cannot create enough jobs for all our youths, yet we need more dollars to stabilise the shilling and make Mutebile’s job worthwhile.

We can equip our youth with machines that detect real value cougars and send them out there. In a few months they should be able to return with wrinkled partners loaded with freshly printed dollars. We will then justifiable chant “It’s Coming Home”.
The ministry of Tourism should also be called to action. It’s time they stalked cougars with offers of incentives. In fact, Isiko, the serial stalker, should be released and named on the cougar committee as an expert on lustful stalking. That invaluable experience should not waste away wet-dreaming about Sylvie from the confines of Luzira.

We need dollars and we need it now. If you think this is a bad joke, then try providing Aziz with the hard way out to get rich.
By the way, that man Besigye, had a cougar been involved and not Joanita Kyakuwa, the State would have not had a case against him. Instead we had the reputation of Liz Kutesa soiled and the rape case just being abandoned this week.
Let’s look to the magic of cougars!

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