The minister’s maid was in buoyant spirits and I could not help asking what was happening.
“We have already won the 2016 elections,” she said cheerfully. “These days it is party mood at our house and my honourable is no longer depressed.”
“How can you win the elections a whole two years before they are held?” I asked.
“We thank President Barrack Obama for the victory,” she burst out. “Honourable says the moment Obama threatened us over the homosexuality law and other western donors started following suit, Mzee’s victory was sealed. Unless something goes terribly wrong, we shall win with a landslide margin.”
“Are you sure?” I challenged.
“Positive!” she swore as she pointed her finger to the ceiling. “Honourable says Obama must have issued the warning in appreciation for our President’s role as a valuable ally in the war against terror.”
“I am not sure I understand,” I confessed.
“Well the Americans are very clever,” she explained. “You should know that they collect a lot of intelligence information in the country all the time. Honourable says the US embassy spends colossal sums of money buying all types of information from government officials and careless politicians.
They know what everybody thinks from ministers to peasants on the villages. And since they have advanced systems of processing and sorting data, they can call up information on any subject in Uganda faster than our own government.
So they must have worked it out that since the last three general elections were quite gruelling and had to be fought bitterly, they decided to reward Mzee with a landslide win in the next elections so that he continues undisturbed.”
“I agree the Obamas may want Mzee to win, but what has the warning over the ant-homosexuality Act got to do with it?” I asked, still puzzled.
“I have told you they gather all sorts of information,” she said becoming a bit impatient. “They needed to create something that can passionately touch the majority of the voters today, according to honourable.
So the anti-homosexuality Bill was not an accident. Some of the people arguing so passionately against or in favour do not even know this. By issuing the stern warning to Uganda over an issue that does not give Ugandans even one sleepless night, Mr Obama aroused interest in the phenomenon – and made an election issue out of it.
For unlike America, Uganda’s elections are not issue driven, unless you call the packets of sugar and soap that the honourables distribute to the voting villagers issues. Previously, the big issue of the elections was security, and Mzee won big because he was seen as its guarantor after ending insecurity in the country.
But now, most voters have been born under his rule the security question is taken for granted by them. Honourable said that the young peoples big concern which could have turned into an election issue is unemployment.
However, none of Mzee’s opponents has managed to make an issue out of this. The other would be corruption, but Honourable swears that even the opposition are not too clean either.”
“So you people believe that homosexuality is going to become an election issue?” I queried.
“It already is but is set to become much more crucial,” she predicted. “With the 2016 polls two years away, the only serious danger Mzee could face would be a challenger from our own NRM for the party nomination. So as soon as Mzee secured the overwhelming endorsement by our party’s MPs, the news of his decision to sign the anti-homosexuality law came and followed immediately by Mr Obama’s ‘warning’.
And so an issue to galvanise support for our Mzee was born. Now Mzee has become and will remain Uganda’s defender of religious and African moral values. Whether it is balokole or basamize, everyone will campaign for him so that he continues defending us from the bullying Americans.
What a neat pass Obama has made to our man! Anyway, Mzee has been a strong ally of America in dealing with those al Qaeda fellows and their allies like al Shabaab. He really earned and deserved the clever pass Obama has given him.