Less than two months after the 1980 general election, Museveni and his comrades so thoroughly despised Milton Obote’s fraudulent “democratic” order that they rejected its Parliament and went to the bush

Our radio station managers know that Ugandans love their voices, so they have arranged for listeners to call into many of the programmes.

On mornings when Impact Radio’s Gyagenda ku Agenda has no studio guest, after the mandatory 15 minutes of adverts, Host/Presenter Semakula spends a full 30 minutes essentially laying out one question. He frames the question, reframes it, then makes adjustments to the same question before coating it with analogies and more layers of the same question.

Talk of loving our voices. Then he triumphantly throws the question to the nation of callers, sometimes to provoke what he calls an “intellectual crisis”, whatever that means. The callers have around 15 minutes; which is all right, since after relaying two or three voices, the rest are generally repetitions or echoes of those.

Gyagenda sometimes hosts RDC Fred Bamwine, a cool gentleman with exemplary radio manners. In the wake of the oil Bill fracas that disrupted Parliament last week, Mr Bamwine has reminded his audience that he had long ago dismissed the Ninth Parliament as a bunch of bayimbi (useless noise-makers); so the November 27 chaos had just vindicated him. The electorate had imposed on the nation a bad deal. Mr Bamwine and his host insisted that the MPs opposed to the government line should have followed the rules guiding parliamentary conduct.

Fair enough. In relatively normal democratic societies, who would not go with that? However, in a semi-dictatorial vampire state like Uganda, the problem is that the MPs cannot freely make a decision that the Executive does not like and get away with it. The MPs cannot be allowed to forget the unspoken code that binds them and the Executive; that when the MPs want to service their greed (allowances, cars), the Executive would comply, and when the Executive wants to service its greed (like in this oil thing), the MPs are not expected to object. Hence President Museveni’s famous notion of the ideal MP, one who sleeps through the debate and wakes up to vote for the NRM (or, rather, Museveni’s) position.

The President will argue, play off different factions, cajole, intimidate, give cash, or use a combination of these things until he gets his way. The bottom line: President Museveni does not lose. But even with the greed code at the back of our minds, the blatant abuse of Parliament by the Executive reflects the contempt in which the ruling clique holds citizen.

This week, diehard loyalist Bamwine acknowledged that a minister’s stance would be a reflection of the President’s; but he saw nothing wrong with that. He narrated how lovingly and patriotically Museveni had nursed the oil project. (I thought the idea that the man who buys the Christmas goat must personally serve the meat on the big day was outmoded.) Anyhow, as the harvest approached, these ungrateful MPs and some other Ugandans were saying they could not trust Museveni with the oil money! They even seemed to forget that the President had only been recently returned to power with almost 70 per cent of the vote!

Sure? Very well; but then, to all those who repeatedly bombard radio audiences with that February 2011 statistic, 69 per cent: It is disingenuous to dismiss Parliament and mock the voters who returned the House’s NRM majority while upholding the President and celebrating the electorate that gave him victory? It was exactly the same voters who turned up on polling day. They could not be fools when voting their MPs and suddenly turn into geniuses when voting the President.

Less than two months after the 1980 General Election, Museveni and his comrades so thoroughly despised Milton Obote’s fraudulent “democratic” order that they rejected its Parliament and went to the bush. They successfully sold the idea of an armed outlaw as a patriot, and a Member of Parliament as a traitor. They should be grateful that after almost two years since the 2011 General Election, those who despise the present “democratic” order are only walking to work and venting their frustration in bouts of parliamentary chaos.

Allan Tacca is a novelist and socio-political
commentator. altaccaone@gmail.com

Even Parliament (supposed to check Executive power) greatly irritates the President when it tries to see things differently. Ordinary citizens who attempt to demonstrate against the President/government’s position are portrayed as standing only one more mistake from the crime of treason.

This week, either because for some reason he felt obliged to tilt his agenda towards the position of Uganda’s ruling clique, or because his perception was genuinely limited in range, a radio talk show moderator seemed unable to understand that on questions that President Museveni considered really important, a minister – or indeed the entire Cabinet – generally adopted the President’s position.

So the moderator rudely cut off one Ssegirinnya, who was trying to argue that, in oil matters, passing a law that gives near-absolute power to the Energy minister was as good as giving that power to the President, regardless of what was written on paper.

For it should be obvious to anyone who has watched the way political power is exercised in Uganda, and who knows how dear Uganda’s oil is to the President, that it is unlikely any minister can function in that sector unless he or she is tied on a very short leash.

Even Parliament (supposed to check Executive power) greatly irritates the President when it tries to see things differently. Ordinary citizens who attempt to demonstrate against the President/government’s position are portrayed as standing only one more mistake from the crime of treason.

From Chogm 2007, the national identity card or the series of Basajjabalaba deals, we learn that, under NRM rule, a suggestion or demand by the President is generally regarded as unanswerable.

Indeed, the President’s senior officials seem to think it is much safer to abuse his instructions than to question him or not to act at all.

If, say, the President wants a low priority war toy, don’t talk tractors; buy the toy.

Even if you twist the supplier’s arm and pocket a couple of million dollars, it is not as bad as refusing to buy the toy.

And if you are a smart operator who appreciates the hand that feeds you, and at election time remembers that the NRM has no gold mine, no cows and no shamba of its own, I guess you would be encouraged to repeat what you did last time.

The possibility of a backlash from somewhere must be accepted as an occupational hazard. But those who understand the code of loyalty and the unwritten rules of Class-A NRM membership will always be protected and defended by the different arms of the organisation.

If we do not wear blinkers, that is the ethical context in which Uganda’s oil activities will be conducted under the current government, whether those activities are (on paper) controlled by a minister or by a group of people established as an “authority”.

It is just that the President prefers the convenience of only having the minister at his beck and call, while those suspicious of the Executive’s motives are deluded that a special body will stop the demons that already haunt Uganda’s oil industry.

Unfortunately, the recent suspension of aid to Uganda by several European countries because of grand corruption at the Prime Minister’s Office could lead to a drop in investor confidence across the board.

In an environment of increasing uncertainty, President Museveni would instinctively want to have even more control of the oil sector than he enjoys now, and the oil to flow in commercial quantities sooner.

The oil companies would also read the signs of government desperation and probably seek agreements that shield them more firmly against possible economic and political instability; moreover, at a time when the public and some international interest groups are demanding more transparency and pro-citizen oil activity.

Advertised months in advance, the Born-Again pastors have strategically identified December 31, which is followed by a day associated with renewal; to draw a mass of people to Namboole.

The end of year season gradually builds up its celebratory momentum, hastening pace to a flurry of activity at Christmas, before suddenly slumping into an aimless slumber. But the season picks up just enough excitement to rise to a December 31/New Year mini crescendo, with fireworks and so much noise you would think the slide from one year to another is a jump that hurls Planet Earth into a different and more auspicious orbit.

In a society whose propensity to consume and celebrate is so much greater than the incomes of its citizens would warrant, having money to spend is very important. Do you remember the recent Forbes list of Uganda’s five richest men? Well, pause and think; this is the season when most of the other Ugandans make themselves poorer by making these five men and their ilk even richer. During this season, President Museveni’s tax collectors also haul in more consumption taxes for the thieves in his government to play with.

Naturally, Christian churches are in overdrive, with bigger Sunday congregations and cash collections than usual. But the Born-Again pastors, apostles and prophets have gradually raised the stakes to a state of plain racketeering. Christian neo-paganism, with its prosperity gospel, could not have found another country with more dimwits per capita. And the pastors have mastered the art of manipulating their flock until the latter have made them really comfortable.

For several weeks before Christmas, there are special sessions when the “anointed” men and women in the racket sell fake Jesus-branded blessings for jobs, travel visas, business success, great wealth, romantic finds, the healing of diseases and driving out of demons.

In last week’s Sunday Monitor, a page 26 report suggests that some enterprising witchdoctors are also cashing in on the season this year. Apparently, this is how it works: You have some money. It may be a modest amount, but someone with a staggering Sh300 million was also cited by a senior Kampala police officer. You want the money to bring only good luck. So the man of the spirits, healer and witchdoctor, blesses the money.

Or, maybe, you want your money instantly multiplied. To be assured of the authenticity of the exercise, you put a small portion of the money in a wooden box and put a padlock on it. The wizard performs his magic, and lo and behold…you open the box and it is stacked with wads of cash! Instead of one Christmas, you could have three in one season.

Excited now, you put the rest of your money in the magic box. And… wow… it is gone! It was a conjuring trick; two conjuring tricks. The first gave; the second took away. And the magic man possibly vanished too.
Advertised months in advance, the Born-Again pastors have strategically identified December 31, which is followed by a day associated with renewal; to draw a mass of people to Namboole sports stadium and work them into such frenzy that they could buy a thousand lies. The crippled will walk; the blind will see; the poor will become rich; State-inspired corruption will die; your lives will be completely changed. Uganda’s high Dimwits Per Capita index is an exceedingly valuable faith and commercial asset.

However, there is another way of turning your life around, if you feel a need to. Tap into your common sense, absolutely free of charge. Decide the changes that you want to bring to your life. Then, look around your world, and you will see people who have failed or succeeded at similar objectives, whether they had or didn’t have a pastor or a witchdoctor milking them. All “anointed” people exploit the weak, children, and grown-ups who despise themselves. Flee from their presence.

Apply your will power, work hard at your goal, and also accept your good or bad luck. Yes, good old luck; the element of simple randomness in our lives. Then you will think twice before someone in a shrine or at Namboole claims a role in your fate and makes you pay for it.

Allan Tacca is a novelist and socio-political
commentator. altaccaone@gmail.com

The majority of Nigerians do not have much to show for the oil produced in their country. I fear that Ugandans may turn out to have even less.

Naturally, I will begin with the urine. If you were listening to the BBC early this week, you would have heard the story of a couple of Nigerian teenagers who have developed a method of generating energy from urine.

The biggest part of urine is, of course, water. In my recollection, the idea is to liberate the hydrogen atom from the H2O (water) molecule, and to use the hydrogen in an electrolytic cell arrangement. So, why don’t the kids use ordinary water to get their kick as baby scientists?

The secret seems to be the crystalline compound, urea, a waste product excreted in urine when your body is processing protein. Maybe the urea is working as a catalyst; maybe it is something else; but the teenagers found that the energy required to liberate the hydrogen atom in urine was less than half of that required in ordinary water. Shortcomings in my layman’s account, notwithstanding, I suppose this greater efficiency means you can make hydrogen cells more cheaply.

How about working with the unpleasant odour of urine?
The kids promptly answered that they had added yet another compound to counter that.

Unlike that dumb iron frog called Makerere University’s electric vehicle, with which I was never impressed, this teenagers’ hydrogen cell story sounds far more mature.

And the future of their project? The kids said they hoped the government of Nigeria would be interested and invest in its development for real life application.

Now, Nigeria is far more famous for its oil and corruption than its chemistry. Because of the corruption, the oil could be more of a curse than a blessing. But the same Nigeria that has produced so many powerful thieves has also nurtured those teenagers and their signals of hope. A country of creative thieves is now also a country of innovation. It is something Ugandans could draw inspiration from.

You see, when one contemplates the scale of plain robbery perpetrated in Uganda’s high government offices, it is almost impossible to think of another country where these things can happen. But watchers of the Nigerian scene and its oil sector must sometimes feel like that, and the honest citizens overcome by despair.

Uganda, too, has oil, which should start coming out in commercial quantities a few years down the road. But even if one is only endowed with a bird’s brain, it is absolutely clear that, under the ruling NRM, a lot of Uganda’s oil money will be stolen. President Museveni, who once wrongly but unabashedly claimed that Uganda’s oil was discovered by his government, just cannot get his team do it any other way. To make things worse (emphasis, not better), President Museveni is obsessed with having a home-based refinery.

First, the politics, corruption and inefficiency of NRM rule will feed into the mathematics of making the finished liquid (diesel, petrol, etc). Do not be surprised if a litre of diesel from Hoima is more costly than one from Mombasa. For “political” reasons, these products may then have to be subsidised!

Secondly, and perhaps more important, finished products are much easier to control and steal. Even if value addition is as noble a goal as the hype goes, the net effect of refining Uganda’s oil will be the mother of a thief’s dreams.

Almost useless in its crude form, oil is generally bought in bulk by multinationals. It is not ideal for easy disposal by local crooks. That is one reason Nigeria’s hoodlums have several makeshift mini-refineries in the oil areas. If Museveni’s obsession materialises, you could drive your Mafia-owned 40-ft tankers and literally siphon the stuff from the refinery tap to those now suspicious-looking semi-dormant filling stations spread across the country.

The majority of Nigerians do not have much to show for the oil produced in their country. I fear that Ugandans may turn out to have even less. But both countries have plenty of urine to which their white collars criminals are not paying any attention. With the resourcefulness of a few more teenagers, it is on this less glamorous liquid that we can pin our hope.

Allan Tacca is a novelist and socio-political
commentator. altacca@yahoo.com

Given the extremity of the crime, it was surprising that the witchdoctor got away scot-free

Over the years, the Executive, the Judiciary, Parliament, the IGG and powerful officials smelling with corruption have played several hide-and-seek games that have filled even the most patient onlooker with disgust.

In many of those cases, you get the impression that there is a powerful guiding spirit that, at best, is ambivalent about the moral and socio-economic implications of the crimes that involve serious public money. In worst-case exhibitions, members of the ruling clique do not only seem to approve of the crimes, but to be implicated as collaborator. In all cases, Ugandan and/or donor country tax-payers are the victims, for whom law enforcers and the courts had failed to provide satisfactory resolution.

To the political white-collar criminals, notions like “the conscience” or “remorse”, generally mean nothing. In isolated cases (like the general who took kickbacks on the purchase of junk military choppers, and was – so we are told – advised by the commander-in-chief to spend his loot on a cause in northern Uganda; or like the woman who reportedly returned some of the money “diverted” from an Aids, malaria and TB fund), only the notion of “damage limitation” is evident. Otherwise, the regime would have begun to reform long ago.

Instead, after causing the taxpayer so much pain, his tormentors are beginning to literally insult him. Until last week, not many Ugandans could have figured out that although they are both “doctors”, a former vice-president was cooking up a scheme that, as an insult, exactly matches the audacity of Kato Kajubi’s witchdoctor.

Oh, a rough outline, just in case you missed out on the witchdoctor’s story. Kajubi is the wealthy businessman and real estate developer who retained the services of a witchdoctor. Mission: to secure a young boy and sacrifice him to the gods (or to one god), so that the divine forces would look at Kajubi’s desire for greater wealth with favour.

Many gods have a weakness for flesh and blood (sometimes human) before they give you blessings and salvation, but the gruesome murder of Kajubi’s primary school victim attracted unusual public interest because it was one of the few cases where the culprits got caught.

After an incompetent police investigation and a cynical judge led to the acquittal of Kajubi, a public outcry forced a retrial and pushed the police to do a better job. Apparently, in exchange for immunity, the witchdoctor, who had not been paid fully by Kajubi, agreed to cooperate with the police and testify against his client.

Given the extremity of the crime, it was surprising that the witchdoctor got away scot-free. But wait for this: several months down the road, the witchdoctor is suing for compensation from the State because of the loss of clients and income that the whole of this messy little matter has cost him!

So, after the millions of shillings of public money spent during the two trials of his client, this most inhuman of inhuman primates wants taxpayers to pay him for his financial inconvenience! The alleged involvement of former Vice President Gilbert Bukenya in the multi-billion-shilling Chogm 2007 BMW car scam; the contradictory remarks on the subject by President Museveni; the fluctuating interest of the IGG; the trial or non-trial of Bukenya and his co-accused; the deliberate head-spinning confusion created by the ruling elite; all these are exactly in line with the NRM conspiracy against the Ugandan taxpayer.
Ugandans paid several billion shillings above reasonable cost for Chogm 2007 transport. That is not in dispute. The question is: Does the NRM government have the will and the moral authority to prosecute those responsible? The answer is decidedly, no.

Okay, our people are helpless. But as if arrogance has left his conscience completely in tatters, Prof. Bukenya wants taxpayers to give him another Shs104 million because the IGG dragged him to court on “flimsy” charges. The inconvenience he suffered…the physical and mental torture…the stress…the damage to his reputation… Oh, very sorry sir, we idiots will pay. How has the NRM made normal human beings so insensitive?

Allan Tacca is a novelist and socio-political commentator.
altacca@yahoo.com