Choosing from common sense and “Namboole”

Advertised months in advance, the Born-Again pastors have strategically identified December 31, which is followed by a day associated with renewal; to draw a mass of people to Namboole.

The end of year season gradually builds up its celebratory momentum, hastening pace to a flurry of activity at Christmas, before suddenly slumping into an aimless slumber. But the season picks up just enough excitement to rise to a December 31/New Year mini crescendo, with fireworks and so much noise you would think the slide from one year to another is a jump that hurls Planet Earth into a different and more auspicious orbit.

In a society whose propensity to consume and celebrate is so much greater than the incomes of its citizens would warrant, having money to spend is very important. Do you remember the recent Forbes list of Uganda’s five richest men? Well, pause and think; this is the season when most of the other Ugandans make themselves poorer by making these five men and their ilk even richer. During this season, President Museveni’s tax collectors also haul in more consumption taxes for the thieves in his government to play with.

Naturally, Christian churches are in overdrive, with bigger Sunday congregations and cash collections than usual. But the Born-Again pastors, apostles and prophets have gradually raised the stakes to a state of plain racketeering. Christian neo-paganism, with its prosperity gospel, could not have found another country with more dimwits per capita. And the pastors have mastered the art of manipulating their flock until the latter have made them really comfortable.

For several weeks before Christmas, there are special sessions when the “anointed” men and women in the racket sell fake Jesus-branded blessings for jobs, travel visas, business success, great wealth, romantic finds, the healing of diseases and driving out of demons.

In last week’s Sunday Monitor, a page 26 report suggests that some enterprising witchdoctors are also cashing in on the season this year. Apparently, this is how it works: You have some money. It may be a modest amount, but someone with a staggering Sh300 million was also cited by a senior Kampala police officer. You want the money to bring only good luck. So the man of the spirits, healer and witchdoctor, blesses the money.

Or, maybe, you want your money instantly multiplied. To be assured of the authenticity of the exercise, you put a small portion of the money in a wooden box and put a padlock on it. The wizard performs his magic, and lo and behold…you open the box and it is stacked with wads of cash! Instead of one Christmas, you could have three in one season.

Excited now, you put the rest of your money in the magic box. And… wow… it is gone! It was a conjuring trick; two conjuring tricks. The first gave; the second took away. And the magic man possibly vanished too.
Advertised months in advance, the Born-Again pastors have strategically identified December 31, which is followed by a day associated with renewal; to draw a mass of people to Namboole sports stadium and work them into such frenzy that they could buy a thousand lies. The crippled will walk; the blind will see; the poor will become rich; State-inspired corruption will die; your lives will be completely changed. Uganda’s high Dimwits Per Capita index is an exceedingly valuable faith and commercial asset.

However, there is another way of turning your life around, if you feel a need to. Tap into your common sense, absolutely free of charge. Decide the changes that you want to bring to your life. Then, look around your world, and you will see people who have failed or succeeded at similar objectives, whether they had or didn’t have a pastor or a witchdoctor milking them. All “anointed” people exploit the weak, children, and grown-ups who despise themselves. Flee from their presence.

Apply your will power, work hard at your goal, and also accept your good or bad luck. Yes, good old luck; the element of simple randomness in our lives. Then you will think twice before someone in a shrine or at Namboole claims a role in your fate and makes you pay for it.

Allan Tacca is a novelist and socio-political
commentator. altaccaone@gmail.com