President Obama’s last telephone call with an African leader imagined*
It is early morning and the phone rings in the majestic State House of an African capital. The African leader, still groggy with sleep, is informed that U.S. president Barack Obama is on the line:
Barack Obama: Your Excellency, I know it is early but I wanted to call you in person before I leave the White House for the last time as president.
African Leader: It’s okay, Barack. To tell you the truth I wasn’t even really sleeping; I was thinking deeply about how to get my people out of poverty.
BO: I’m sure you were, as you’ve done in the many decades you’ve been in charge of your country.
AL: Thank you for appreciating. You know, some of our people here they think leadership is easy; they don’t know the sacrifices we make to keep the enemies of development at bay.
BO (chuckling): Have you found any answers?
AL: We are getting there. Now that we have dealt with the cattle rustlers and have even discovered new ways of holding the hand hoe, we are about to embark on rapid transformation. You people will look at us in a few years and say ‘eh mama!’
BO: Well, I am sure you will figure it out sometime in our lifetime. As for me I have done my bit; I am saying goodbye to the American people.
AL: Goodbye? Where are the American people going?
BO: It’s not them. It’s me. I am leaving for my retirement. It’s been on the news, y’know, it’s time to hand over the baton to president Trump…
AL: But Barack, are you sure you are making the right decision?
BO: What do you mean? The American people decided in November and it is time for them to get a new leader.
AL: You know these things can be managed. There are ways…Do you have support in the army?
BO: The transition has been managed smoothly. Michelle and I and the rest of my administration, including the intelligence and defence community, have worked hard to prepare the in-coming team…
AL: Sorry to interrupt but I mean fixing the Constitution, term limits, maybe even some trumped up charges for Donald, hehe! You can’t just leave power to someone who has no vision and wants to go around destroying the things you have worked so hard to build…
BO: While I don’t agree with president Trump on many things, change and respect for the law are key parts of our democratic tradition.
AL: Have you at least placed Michelle and the girls somewhere? You don’t want them suffering around looking for jobs. Dos Santos is a good person to speak to!
BO: I don’t need to fix jobs for my family; if we build a society that is just and meritocratic then they should be able to compete fairly.
AL (shaking his head in disbelief): What about money? I hope you’ve stashed away enough. Mobutu’s daughter was telling me the other day that…
BO: That’s not necessary. I will get a decent pension and we’ve saved some money from my books. I might write another one and get a bit more, plus we’ve found this amazing house we are going to rent…
AL (sitting up in bed): Rent! You are going to rent! Couldn’t you grab a ranch or at least buy one of the government houses cheaply?
BO: Your Excellency, the best things in life are earned, not grabbed…
AL: …You see that’s why Trump even defeated Clinton; he knows what he wants and goes out and grabs it!
BO: I am sure you identify with that, if I remember your last election…
AL: I didn’t grab those ballot boxes and the phone call I made to the Electoral Commission chief was just to remind him to think of his young children and what could happen to them if I wasn’t there to guarantee peace and safety…
BO: Like I said in Accra, Ghana, peace and safety are guaranteed by strong institutions, not strong men…
AL: (standing, in excitement, in his state pyjamas) Exactly! What matters is not the who but the what!
BO: I am not sure we mean the same thing. Let me make myself very clear…
AL: (pretending not to hear) Hullo? Hullo? You know the network is not very clear.
BO: I will brief president Trump to impose…
AL: (still pretending) It’s a shame, this shambolic telephone network. The same thing happened with president Clinton! Let me buy some airtime and call you back. I hope you will still be in the White House… (evil chuckle)
Beep! Beep! Beep!
*With apologies to real playwrights!
Mr Kalinaki is a Ugandan journalist based in Nairobi.
[email protected] &Twitter: @Kalinaki
