Wabikadho and Speaker’s Shs7 million flag pole

It was the third time Wabikadho was farting loudly in a space of about five minutes. Ono omusadha aliku Nabamba oba? (is this man demon possessed?), Nabirye thought to herself as she knelt down and woke her tired man up to take his locally spiced ‘evening tea’ with some fried cassava, wrapped in a newspaper.
Wabikadho had uncharacteristically slept for nearly five hours from when he came home from the plantation where he worked as a shamba boy. Wabidakdho had such a colourful history. He had been a dashing young headmaster in a local school in Namanyuma, deep in Nawaikoke.

Rumour had it that he preyed on his young female students hence the name Wabikadho; ‘the one with a penchant for sweet sugar cane!’ It turned to a fact the day Nabirye came to his bachelor pad asking for help with her homework. She sat there in a tight blue t-shirt with the campaigning face of then FDC presidentKizza Besigye. One of his big eyes was strategically placed on Nabirye’s sharp nipple.

Wabikadho got goose pimples. He offered her a soda and a chapati, which was his supper. She protested shyly, but accepted in the end and ate it. The hyena moved closer and touched her nipple saying he loved Besigye’s big eyes. She pushed him away moaning thus “people will find us!”

He calmed her down and moved closer touching her skirt, moving up her thigh, alas she had no knickers… and was so bearded!
Panting and sweating, Wabikadho was not turning back anymore. Three months later, Wabikadho was on the run; the parents of the girl and a local NGO were braying for his blood. He took off to Kaberamaido and became a goat herder.

Nabirye’s father applied ‘logic’ and Wabidkadho returned to Namanyuma. The girl was heavy with twins and the man responsible was alive. He should come and take care of his children, after all, girls are supposed to become mothers ultimately, he reasoned. The condition was that he had to pay some bride price. The greedy bastard did not want to part with his two goats from Kaberamaido claiming culture forbade him since Nabirye’s ‘goat’ was already eaten by the time he got there.
Nabirye’s parents then sarcastically asked him for two cows instead ‘as per the culture’ regarding a father of twins. The goats went and Nabirye came to him.

As a trained teacher, Wabikadho was the village sage even in his new lowly status as a casual labourer. People gathered around him when he was analysing important matters, especially those of national importance. Oh, how this showman loved it.
It was the occasion when he used big words like ‘servitude’ to the bewilderment of his audience, many of whom were illiterate.

The newspaper that wrapped the cassava was the source of this evening’s analysis. It had the headline ‘Parliament to pay 7 million for Speaker’s flag pole.’
Wabikadho loudly proclaimed that NRM’s 2016 campaign promise of Kisanja Hakuna Mchezo had kicked off in earnest with this flag pole. The government was going to concentrate on only priorities like this flag pole.
Wabikadho went on as the gathering kept growing, ‘this flag pole is part of the new modern phenomenon called e-government’ he authoritatively claimed. It helps in gathering data to a central processing unit. Here it turns it into information, analyses it and then disseminates it to the relevant authorities for them to take appropriate action.
It is part of ‘robotics’ and the latest in automation that uses alogarithms. None of the people listening to Wabikadho understood any of these terms, but the way he was delivering them and from his reputation with prior knowledge, it was safe to believe that these were genuine facts.

Wabikadho went on: It is a flag pole which kicked off the process of ‘de-weevilling’ the police force. It helped to discover that some of the Hepatitis B vaccine on the market were fake. It is what recently brought Uganda and Rwanda together in a peaceful embrace. It alerted the President to direct that Umeme’s contract should not be renewed.
A similar flag pole has now discovered that government can expand its revenue by taxing social media platforms like Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Pinerest and so on. It will cut down on idleness rumour mongering that pre-occupies most Ugandans today.

Someone asked if it will solve the problem of jiggers and hospitals without drugs. Wabikadho answered that those were petty issues. The health problem was going to be solved once and for all by this system. All the big people will be sent abroad for checkups and treatment so that they remain healthy and plan for this country.
Then we shall establish the system of primary healthcare, where people will be taught how not to fall sick in the first place. Just watch this flag post. Nabirye felt so proud looking at all the people listening to Wabikadho that she felt some uneasy tweaking below the belly. She looked up in the sky and the moon was up.
She remembered the night of the soda and the chapatti like it was yesterday and she smiled cheekily. This was going to be another night to remember. Off she went to have a bath and get ready.

Mr Sengoba is a commentator on political and socials issues. [email protected]
Twitter:@nsengoba