Five gifts for five African presidents
Clockwise: Uhuru Kenyatta, 54 > Kenya, Pierre Nkurunziza, 52> Burundi, Robert Mugabe, 91> Zimbabwe, Yoweri Museveni, 71> Uganda and John Magufuli, 56> Tanzania.
What you need to know:
To the leaders, with love. The festive season is a season of giving and Joseph Warungu is in a mood for giving. He is focused on the needy in Africa. No, not the sick who are sleeping on the floor in public hospitals, or sharing beds and hoping to get better one day. He wants to give presents to those who need them the most - our African leaders. They work so hard to drive this continent somewhere, anywhere. Yet hardly anyone thinks of them and sends them any presents.
Joseph Warungucannot afford to reward them all so he has put together a small package of gifts to send to five leaders:
Uhuru Kenyatta, 54 > Kenya
Charity begins at home so I will start with my own president.
Uhuru, when you open your parcel, you will find one kilogramme of roast goat meat.
I know you love nyama choma as we call it in Kenya, so you will definitely enjoy this succulent dish.
Apologies for the packaging - the meat will arrive wrapped in today’s copy of a local daily newspaper.
In your regular attacks on the media, you have often said newspapers are only good for wrapping meat.
In other words, the media that keeps Kenyans informed and holds those in power to account, is worthless.
In the nearly three years your government has been in power, there has been a raft of bills and regulations to tame the media.
The result has been a shrinking of the space for free expression and exchange of ideas.
Enjoy your meat, Uhuru.
Pierre Nkurunziza, 52> Burundi
Mr Nkurunziza - I see things are getting tough for you in Burundi.
There has been so much loss of life since you went against everyone’s plea for you to abandon plans for a third term of office.
I know you love football very much.
So your Christmas gift is a football, which you can use to launch a new team - Burundi United FC.
It is an advanced ball that is filled with blood, instead of air.
If you kick it too hard it will bleed or burst.
So handle your team with great care and listen to them.
Go easy with the political ball, so as to spare the nation more bloodshed.
Robert Mugabe, 91> Zimbabwe
Hello President Mugabe! In your Christmas parcel is a generous helping of Chinese tea.
I chose this because they claim it cures everything from bad nerves to bad luck.
I have noticed that your legs sometimes don’t listen to your will power.
When you need them most, they fall asleep and you topple over.
This special tea will stabilise your long walk in power, even when your feet suggest the journey is over.
Yoweri Museveni, 71> Uganda
Finally, a gift for you Mr Museveni.
I see that power will be running after you again in February when you will be seeking a fifth term in office.
Normally, people chase power, but in every Ugandan election, power faithfully comes in search of you.
So for you it is a special manual called “How to cope with cattle”.
John Magufuli, 56> Tanzania
Greetings Magufuli.
I know you are less than two months in power in Tanzania, but there is a gift for you.
In the parcel you will find a copy of the Holy Bible.
In the short time you have been in power, you have shaken Tanzania to its core as you went in search of those public officials who have abused their office and stolen from the people.
But as you get closer to the untouchables - the drug dealers and corruption masterminds - you will be treading on very slippery ground.
The Tanzania security machinery and the love of the people may not be enough to shield you.
I have heard you constantly ask Tanzanians to pray for you, so this gift of the Bible will be useful.
