Thursday February 20 2014

‘Detoothing’: Are men to blame for the rising trend?

Onen

What is detoothing?
Detoothing is usually synonymous with gold digging. It basically is a tendency by some women to extract resources from a man. But there is a catch, in this case, with no reciprocation. Gold digging and detoothing are essentially a case of a woman wanting to have her cake and eat it too. She will expect you to do things for her and yet she will not reciprocate.

Isn’t it only fair for a woman to get financial benefits from a man for her time?
I do not think she should be obliged to give up her free time just like that. We all attach value to our various attributes. I work on radio and I believe that what I bring to radio deserves some financial compensation. It can be professional, social or even…sexual skills. [Laughs]

So you think there shouldn’t be any qualms about women doing this?
I don’t think there is anything wrong with a woman who wants money for her time, her body or whatever. If a woman decides that, “Hey if you want a piece, this is what it is going to cost or take,” I have no problem with that, as long as the man, who is offering her that money, feels he is getting value for it. If there is a girl who wants to be taken to fancy places or wants expensive gifts, I have no problem with that, as long as I am getting a return on my “investment”.
But men complain and curse women for “chewing” their hard-earned money.

Men are conditioned to expect women to make these demands. This is why we work hard. If you are interested in a girl, you take her out and offer financial assistance with the view of having her pay you back. But some men encourage this by offering money. See, there are two tiers to sexual attraction when it comes to females.

A woman’s natural attraction is to men who exhibit dominant characteristics; usually the bad boy, confident and indifferent. That is the Alpha Male, who may not have the money, but women will give up the goods for free.
The Beta Male is the guy who understands that the way to secure sex from a woman is through spending the money. But do men encourage women to be materialistic? No, it is just a fact of nature, where men are the providers.

With more women gaining financial independence, don’t you think tables are turning?
The more economically independent a woman is, the more thuggish her boyfriends tend to be. The dynamics have changed a bit so there is a growing culture of Beta Males adopting Alpha Male tendencies. This is called “game”. I suppose there are some men who are detoothing but it is not as common. Men are slaves to their ego and most won’t be seen bragging that they live off their women.

Should women be blamed for encouraging the vice?
It is one thing for it to be mutually beneficial so if you want to date me, partake of the resources in exchange of what you are willing to offer. A girl who is detoothing keeps dangling in front of you the allure of sex or love, and as soon as she gets what she wants, she runs.

Women are dishonest because they drag men to believe it is all about love. Come on! If you want financial benefits, tell me right from the start that this is what you expect, instead of taking me on a wild goose chase.

Are Ugandan women any different from others?
Any woman, in Uganda or anywhere will exploit you if she can. She will use her sexual allure to extract resources from you. There is no place where this does not happen.
In America, women are walking away with millions of dollars in divorce settlements. If there is any difference, it is the result of variations in amount of opportunities.

Should men tighten the grip on their wallets?
Nooo… spend, but wisely, just make sure you are getting value for your money. If you are going to pay her rent, make sure you are getting the amount and quality of sex that you think compensates for that expenditure.

What are the signs of a potential detoother?
If you spend a certain amount of money, wait for her to reciprocate. It is like a business. If I want to start a company, I will set aside capital for some time to see how business goes. If you want to inject more money, you would want to look at projections and forecast a likely return on the business. It is the same thing in a relationship.

If I take her out and two weeks later I have not kissed her or three months later we have not yet slept together, then I see no “business”. But that depends on your value system. If your interest is to sleep with her, decide what the yardstick is and whether you can tolerate that.
If women want nice things, they have to give. It should be commensurate to what men give them. Period!

men to blame. For Rukh-Shana Namuyimba, a news anchor on NTV, if a man puts himself out there as a potential “provider” then he is to blame for falling into the trap.

Namuyimba

What is detoothing?
Detoothing is when a woman or man gives the impression to the opposite sex that they are interested in them, to be able to get other favours. This could be monetary or physical in the hope that there will be a reward for what they are offering and then they end up not offering. If a woman knows this man wants to court her, she will give him the impression that she is interested because he will probably spend money on her. But when it comes to time to get something in exchange, which is normally getting into bed, she is elusive.

Have you been detoothed before?
[Laughs] I do not think I have. No no no…but I have been in certain situations where I actually think that a specific male is not interested in me purely for the benefits. However, I have not got to the point of saying I have been detoothed.

Isn’t it fair for a woman to get financial benefits from a man for her time?
I don’t think so. By the time a woman spends time with a man, whether it is going out on a date, it is probably because she enjoys his company or conversation and not really because she is expecting something. She is not doing a service, which must be paid. I don’t look at it as something that needs to be rewarded.

But men tend to complain and curse women for “chewing” their hard-earned money.
I have heard comments from some guys, like… “I have spent a lot of money on her…I buy her gifts in the hope that she is going to ‘pay you back’.” When a man says that, in my mind, I place the blame on him because then you have certain expectations that if I spend money on you, I am going to get x. So what some “smart” women have actually done is woken up to the realisation that they have the power to get what they want by simply being women. They have taken advantage and realised that their sexuality has an economic potential.

But some men encourage by offering money to a woman.
We cannot deny the fact that there are women who go out of their way to abuse this. I think men should be blamed for this too. If you throw money at a problem, it is going to keep coming back and over the years, men have thought that is all they need to do to get a woman is through throwing money around. So you cannot blame the women who take advantage of that because economic times are harsh as well.

With more women gaining financial independence, don’t you think tables are turning?
Previously, it used to be women but I think men have made their way into this space over the years, although no one talks about it openly. Obviously men will not admit to this because it bruises their egos and women are reluctant to rant about it because it makes them look desperate. If I was to say a certain number of guys have detoothed me, the first question people will ask is… “If you need to spend money to hang out with this guy, are you that desperate?” It is a two-way street in this situation.

Are women to blame for encouraging the vice?
As a woman, I believe it is my right to decline sex. So even if you give me your gifts, which I might accept because they are flattering, I have the right to reject them. The man, on the other hand, assumes that just because I have accepted his gifts, I have to automatically agree to his demands, and that is why they are bitter.

Do you think detoothing is here to stay?
There are two ways of looking at this. When you talk about detoothing, the first category of women that comes to mind is the campus girl. For them, that is not going to change and you will not see a situation where she is financially independent. But in terms of the working woman, who is financially independent, there might be fewer cases. But you cannot rule out the fact that at the back of somebody’s mind, it is the man’s place to provide.

Should women tighten grip on their wallets?
[Laughs] I think there is something about a woman allowing a man to be a man. That is very empowering so if I think that my man adds value to my life, despite earning more, I will definitely hold onto my wallet. Depending on the kind of relationship you are in, you would want a man to be just him; the ultimate provider.

Counsellor’s take : Phoebe Luwum, Creative Mind Coach, Mind of Love

Detoothing is a behaviour that involves a girl or woman soliciting and taking money and other gifts from a man who is interested in a sexual relationship, while at the same time avoiding having sex with the man. To say that you are being detoothed presupposes a belief in your own mind that sex and relationships can be obtained by offering gifts. While detoothing is mostly a way to get material gains from their sexual assets, for some it is revenge.

For some people, engaging in behaviour that is regarded by society as unacceptable may lead to guilt, shame, anxiety and humiliation, which affects the success of other relationships. Such emotions affect other areas of one’s life. A habitual detoother may be psychologically programmed towards “something-for-nothing” behaviour, which would negatively affect their success in maintaining successful relationships and work ethics.

Having a mindset of detoothing usually attracts partners who themselves have an attitude that will not support a healthy long-term relationship. In addition, the detoothed may retaliate by doing harm, physical or otherwise, to the detoother. Many cases of date-rape, for example, are associated with sex transactions, where the man feels cheated.

Detoothing would be more suitably classified as a habit than an addiction because people mostly do it by choice. I do not think that they become physiologically or psychologically dependent on it. Getting out of a habit starts with making a conscious decision that you want to change. Identify the reason why you detooth and address those. Remind yourself every day, and especially before meeting potential detoothees, of the dangers of detoothing versus the transitory gains.

Have you ever been detoothed?

“Years ago, there was a girl I really loved but because she was always money-minded, the relationship did not work out. She always wanted transport or outings. As much as I loved helping her, she never did me any favours. Whenever I wanted to meet her, she had excuses.”
Innocent Arionget, University student

“I have many times had men walk up to me with various hidden motives. Some of them proclaim their undying love and yet they are actually gold diggers. But because I can tell those who are really after the money, I have been able to weed them all out.’
angella katatumba, musician

“I once had a girlfriend I loved so much but she never felt the same way. For her, it was always about money for handouts and braiding her hair. Then there were times she would make up stories that her mother was seriously sick and needed money for treatment. It was only later that I discovered that her mother was fine.”
Abel Bwire, Engineer

‘detoothing’ girl murdered

The disappearance. Two weeks ago, Emily Akire, a university student was kidnapped. She went missing from her parents’ home for three days. Reports indicate Akire had been kidnapped by a man who had reportedly trailed her for a while.

The demise. After demanding for a ransom of Shs2m, and receiving a negative response from Akire’s relatives, the man threatened murder, and murder he did. Akire’s body was later found at Mulago hospital. The attacker had earlier left a note: “You will not ‘detooth’ (cheat) men again. Your life ends here. Regards to the dead”.

More threats. Akire’s attacker continues to elude police. Worse still, another member of the same family is living in fear after the attacker made it clear that it wasn’t over and there is one more he has to “deal with”.

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