‘Thou shalt not ‘steal’ your sister’s husband’

Agnes and her husband Jude were happily married until the couple brought in Agnes’ sister Maureen to help babysit their six-month-old son. As is common with most couples today, Agnes did not have enough time to care for her children especially the baby because of her busy work schedules. Her sister thus came in handy as she did not want to involve herself in the daily squabbles that come with housemaids.

Besides Jude had agreed to have Maureen who was in her Senior Six vacation at the time, come around to the couple’s home in Kabalagala, a Kampala suburb and tend to the child. The couple, though, could not have any of the warnings that came from, among others, Jude’s mother about staying with in- laws for long.

Even before a year elapsed, Maureen’s behaviour in the home had changed. Besides being disobedient, Agnes noticed she was worryingly getting closer to her husband and the two would have private chats that she always wondered about.

“My husband started complaining about everything I did around him and avoiding me mostly when my sister was around. When my second son started school, his behaviour changed completely, he was no longer the loving and caring man I used to know. He always seemed restless, took to heavy drinking and always came home late at night with excuses of working late,” she narrates with teary eyes.

This change of behaviour raised Agnes’ suspicions although she kept ignoring the thought of her sister being the reason behind the change in her husband’s behaviour.

Shocking news
Agnes soon discovered her sister was pregnant. “What was more shocking is that I learnt about this when I found her test results in my husband’s pockets,” she recollects, adding that she wondered how her sister could tell her husband not her.

Maureen first tried to hide who the man responsible for her pregnancy was until Agnes threatened to send her packing. In that moment she shouted, “you should go and ask your husband”.

“That’s when I realised I had been played. I could not think straight because I was disappointed in my husband and could hardly believe what I had just heard,” she says between sobs.

The revelation
When confronted Jude said Agnes was not a good wife and marrying her was a mistake. In the preceding days he announced to the whole family that Maureen, was going to be his second wife and the sooner they accepted it, the better.

Agnes’ story is not unique. There are a number of marriages that have been broken with such kinds of affairs. Bernard Ssemakula, a businessman in Owino market, says he also lost his loving wife and children when she caught him red-handed in bed with her sister. She left the house right away with their children.

“For the past 10 years, I have not seen my wife. My children and I only talk on phone. I am all alone and my sister-in-law too left me since her intention it appears was just to break up her sisters marriage,” he says.

According to Ssemakula, some sisters grow up jealous of one another or competing amongst themselves as a result of parents who favour some children above the others.

Joseph Serwanga, a counsellor in Kasanga Town, says it is possible for a man to have an affair with his sister-in-law because of either lust, attraction or seduction. “Some women are too busy and often dedicate little time to family leaving the rest to maids or sisters making their sisters more noticeable to their husbands,” he says.

But Jeanne Barkemeijer de Wit, a published writer, advises a husband on the verge of having an affair with his sister-in-law to always think twice before they act on their feelings.

“How you feel about your sister-in-law is one thing --how you chose to act on those feelings is another,” she says adding: “Think for a moment ... is it possible you are confusing lust with love? Love is a wonderful thing, which does not connote ownership, lust and/or sexuality.”

She advises that a husband should ask themselves how they would feel if their sister-in-law hated them for professing their love to them or their family thought less of them.

“Consideration should be given to the likely social exclusion that would result from persuing the relationship before taking any action,” Barkemeijer de Wit cautions.

Is it wrong to stay with your in laws?

Brenda Atukwase, a resident of Banda
“I do not think it is right to stay with your married sister for long unless she is too young to take care of herself because most men normally develop feelings for their sister-in-laws especially if they are more attractive than their sister.”

Beatrice Nabahida, Muyenga
“I do not think it is right to stay with your married sister because once she above 18 years of age, she reasons as a mature person who can take over your husband once she is attracted to him.”