Does playing detective on your partner pay off?

You may be familiar with the international reality TV show Cheaters. But for those who are not, Cheaters is a weekly American hidden camera reality television series about catching people suspected of committing adultery, or cheating on their partners.

In case all this does not make sense, well ABS TV station, one of Uganda’s local stations has brought ‘Cheaters’ closer to home in their show codenamed ‘Kalondozi’.

Is your significant other cheating on you or do you suspect they are? Kalondozi will dispatch a surveillance team to follow your partner and gather incriminating evidence.

In 2016, Uganda Communications Commission suspended the show saying it did not meet minimum broadcasting standards. Minimum broadcasting standards, according to the UCC Act 2013, state that a broadcaster or video operator shall ensure that any programme which is broadcast is not contrary to public morality or does not promote the culture of violence or ethnical prejudice among the public.

Well, the show is still here but that is a story for another day. But what if you suspect your partner of cheating, is hiring Kalondozi or a private investigator to follow them worth it?

Louis, an engineer, (who prefers to go by one name because of the sensitivity of this issue) is one of several husbands who had to seek truth in that manner. He walked down the aisle seven years ago, promising to stay by his wife Sandra’s side in good or bad times.
Unfortunately for Louis, he says, his wife did not abide by the vows.

A few years into the marriage as Louis states, rumours about his wife’s infidelity surfaced. Although he trusted his wife, Louis was tempted to spy on her as an option that would at least help him arrive at the truth.

Louis thus hired private investigators (bakalondonzi) to spy on his wife. Their duty included following her every step outside the home and installing spy cameras in the house that recorded whatever Sandra was up to in the home.

In two months’ time, the investigations revealed that Sandra had been involved in an affair with Louis’s close friend. He would sometimes sleep with her in his home or take her to lodges around town. “I cried because I could not believe my eyes. It was too much to handle,” he recalls, saying: “I ended the marriage because I could not get myself to trust her again.”

Louis, like many other people who spy on their partners, thought discovering the truth would make him feel better. But this was not to happen instead he was immensely hurt and so was his marriage. “It is heart-breaking to discover that the person you loved and trusted so much is a cheat,” he says.

Walking a wrong path
Ivan Ssendawula Ssalongo, a businessman in Kikuubo Downtown Kampala, condemns spying on spouses, saying it brings about disappointment.

Ssendawula, who has been married for nine years, however, attributes the act to mistrust, which he says comes as a result of poor communication.
He claims people who spy on their partners end up being disappointed when investigations reveal their partner has been cheating on them with a close relative such as a sister or brother.

“Spying may lead to separation as the culprit might not stand the shame he or she is exposed to. The separation will in the long run affect the children both mentally and emotionally,” he discloses.

Ssendawula believes that it is rather important that couples settle their disputes or marital issues before bringing in third parties because they can understand each other better.

He advises couples to always find time to evaluate their marriage. “Evaluate your marriage every after six months as this will help you pour out all the burning issues and then find lasting solutions. This will also help to keep the love and communication channels in the marriage open,” he advises.

The other side of the coin
But Caroline Nankinga Mukisa says she does not find any problem with a person who spies on their partner. Nankinga, who has been married for two years says men usually ignore their wives and treat them as personal property, which in the long run pushes them out.

“Being your wife does not mean you are free to treat me as you please because you are assured of finding me home. In the same way, having disagreements does not mean cheating because cheating won’t solve anything but instead make matters worse,” she says.

Nankyinga claims spying on a partner will show how unfaithful or untrustworthy they have become other than staying blindly in a marriage which might come with misfortunes such as sexually transmitted diseases.

However, Denis Odoi, a marriage counsellor with Project New Hope Uganda, says that lack of transparency among couples is one of the biggest tools that destroys marriages. “Hiding information from your partner brings about mistrust and suspicion prompting one to try and find out the truth,” he explains.

Odoi further says poor communication where spouses fail to tell or explain why they are coming home late, why they failed to pick calls, or even where they are going, may push one to think they are doing something behind their back.

He also discloses that by the time one resorts to spying on their spouse, it means the relationship is on its road to dying and if not mended, there is a high probability of separation. “The results from the investigations may lead to revenge which will only destroy the lines of communication hence bringing about dishonesty,” he notes.

Other things that may come with spying include denial of privileges such as sex after one has lost trust in the other. This will in the long run create a negative emotional environment that comes with quarrelling, fighting and harming each other which may affect the children’s wellbeing.

However, in a bid to bring about peace in relationships, Odoi cautions couples to be transparent. He recommends getting ample time to talk about the burning issues and to always apologise to the other in case of any harm. This helps to heal the wounds as well as restoring harmony in the relationship.