‘Your husband was my father’

When you lose a partner, it may seem as though your whole world has come to an end. Their death may have been expected or sudden, but nevertheless, the pain is the same.

However as you mourn, strangers appear in your compound. The faces may not be too new because some could resemble your dead husband. Could they be his illegitimate children?

How about that other woman who is overly active in preparations and wailing louder than the known widow? Could she be a widow too?

Then there is that neighbour’s husband who is crying like a wounded buffalo lamenting about being left alone with the children or could it be your wife’s male workmate you are worried about?

In some instances, you will see mourners whispering amongst themselves, while in other instances, outsiders will boldly come out to have their attachments to the body.

It is becoming a common thing for such discoveries at funerals today. And although some women out there have been lured to believe that a man does not belong to one woman, it is still shocking to learn that your dear spouse was no saint.

If they were alive, maybe you would give them a piece of your mind, slap them a little and go on to discuss how to handle things. But now they are dead. What do you do?

Mourning a side dish
Lydia* got the shock of her life when her husband, John, who was so committed to his office job, stayed home when her best friend died.

They had been married for 10 years. Never had John missed work, not even when his wife was in labour with their first child.

The day Monica* died in a motor accident, John asked for two-week leave. At the funeral, John almost cried his eyes out and yet Lydia had not known her husband to be the emotional type.

The mourning worsened after burial; he did not eat for two days and all he wanted was to be alone. In their bedroom, Lydia found John holding Monica’s photos and only then did Lydia learn that Monica was her husband’s ‘side dish’, and she had been four months pregnant at her death.

John confessed that he was cheating but he needed time to mourn Monica and the baby she was carrying. Lydia, who was six months pregnant then, could not understand why her husband had to mourn a mistress.

When people pass on, not all their secrets are buried with them. Sometimes people may keep procrastinating when to unveil those other children to their partners, fearing how they would react. And for the women, how do you tell your husband that one of your four children is actually their best friend’s?

Not an easy subject to breach
How does anyone go about such a situation?
Ali Male, a counselling psychologist at Uganda Counselling Association, says, “making up your mind on whether to confess that you are cheating is one of the most disturbing points in a relationship. However, one has to weigh if it is better to suffer the consequences in life or after they have died and leave their other children to rejection.”

Male adds that there are times when people become so frustrated in their marriages, especially if the recent marriage is proving miserable, so they end up finding solace in other partners and conceive.

“My late cousin happened to remarry and deceived her husband that she only had two children and after eight years, she fell sick and died. But on her burial, her ex-husband appeared with five children and claimed the body. Her husband had to give up because they were outnumbered,” Hudson Kasumba says.

Once in Matugga, Wakiso District, a man revealed to the priest before he died that two of his five children were from his younger sister, one from his step-mother, who was his father’s third wife and only two were from his wife. The man had hidden this from his wife. On his deathbed, he asked the priest to tell the people he offended to forgive him.

His wife and father fainted as the priest revealed this secret at the funeral.

When the rumours trickle in
“You can only get the right information from your partner. So if someone has any doubts, they can plan for a peaceful environment when the day comes. Take your husband out and calmly ask him. Let your claim not be confrontational but rather encouraging to attract him to open up to you,” Male says.

He adds that if your wife has no idea that you have children outside your marriage, plan it over a period of time by using modalities insinuating your situation. After sometime, try to ask her what she would do if she found out you had other children. Relate to incidences happening around you so she can get an insight of what you want to say and thereafter you can tell her.

Hiding children or partners outside your marriage causes shock at your funeral and the children will get rejected, there will be physical fights and disagreements over property, especially when you did not make a will.

Things never to keep secret:
• Your wife must know how much property you own or inherited; things such as land, buildings, cash transactions are enough to cause fights and murder between your wife and relatives.
• If you are not sure of who your parents are, better disclose this information to your spouse to avoid chaos at your funeral like fighting for the dead body.
• Illegitimate children must be introduced to the family but this must be done very carefully. You need to psychologically prepare your wife or else she will divorce you.
After you have introduced the children, make sure you write a rational and unbiased will, distributing your property favourably.

*Names changed for anonymity

My husband’s mistress approached me

“Until my husband died, I had never suspected he would cheat on me. In fact as if to confirm what he often said, I got to know about his unfaithfulness while he was in the grave. He used to tell me, quite reluctantly that he will only cheat on me while in the grave. We would laugh about it, thinking it was a joke but it really happened, just as he said.

We had been married for nine years and we had three children. There was no indication he could be unfaithful. I never heard rumours of any other women, and our marriage seemed to be the best.

Soon, the love of my life fell ill; a mild fever that developed into serious sickness in three days. A woman losing a husband can be the most difficult experience, and worst of all, I was five months pregnant. With support from friends and family, I kept strong. He was buried a day after he died.

Just before people dispersed, a woman came to me claiming she had two children with my late husband, a boy and girl (three and five years old). She said she learned of my husband’s death – in fact she used the word ‘our’ – the previous day and had to make quick arrangements to come for burial and bring the children too.

Asked why she had never brought the children, the woman said ‘our’ husband had asked her not to disrupt his marriage until he found a way of addressing the matter.

People asked her for evidence to the claims, and she presented birth certificates and pictures of the children with my husband. I could not believe what I saw. The evidence was too strong to be disputed.

I almost fainted, but I prayed silently that God keeps me strong. Who would I be angry with? That woman, her two children, or my dead husband? Probably the woman was not to blame, for it is men who approach women. But I did not think it was wise to hold a grudge with a dead man.

I just kept silent as people debated whatever they thought was good. At the end of it all, one of my late husband’s relatives took responsibility of the woman’s children. We had a big house to accommodate the children, but while I would not harm them in any way, it was going to be hard to stay with them, at least not immediately. So taking them to stay with their uncle was a great relief.

It is now two years since the incident, and I have moved on. When I visit my brother-in-law, I hug the children, carry gifts for them. I have no grudge against them. They are innocent. It was my husband who was unfaithful.”

As told to Brian Mutebi

Counsellor says (Evelyn Lufafa, Suubi Medical Centre)

If a man had illegitimate children before he got married to the current wife, it is better for him to introduce these children, and they to know that their wives are usually more than willing to accept and take up such children.

However, if the children came in after they got married, men usually fear revealing such secrets because they do not want to break their current relationship. This is, especially true if the man knows what character his wife is. Men fear the rejection their children may face from a violent and unwelcoming wife, so they conceal such information.

Depending on the belief system (religion), especially Christianity, a partner may also conceal information about illegitimate children for fear of what the church will think of him. Such cases are rare in Muslim families because it is okay for a man to have up to four wives and children as long as he can manage to take care of them.

Family rules can also stop a man from introducing illegitimate children before he dies, if his family was strictly monogamous.
Although he may accept to take care of those children, he would rather die than ruin his family’s reputation.

Once a woman learns that her husband has illegitimate children, she feels betrayed. It is normal for a woman to cry but it is better they hear it straight from their husbands. The anger can subside with time, but it also depends on how well you have prepared her for the news.
Be sorry and regretful when you are telling her but if you feel it is difficult, get a neutral person to help you out.

For the case of property, it sometimes depends on when you got married to him. If you got married to a man and had nothing, he will reveal to you most of the property because you have worked together.

If you found the man already had property, it would be hard for him to tell his wife all he has. This is because the woman may probably want his property and not truly love him.

It would also depend on the trust, respect and love a man has for the wife. Sometimes if the man is much older than the woman, he may think she will find a way of selling the property and if she is not educated, he does not find a reason to trust the woman with such important information.

To receive or reject the children?
If the man introduced the children himself, a woman should be ready to accept that these are her husband’s children. However, if a woman just claimed she had your husband’s children and the man denied them, advise to go for a DNA test to prove their legitmacy.

Compiled by Beatrice Nakibuuka