Thursday March 6 2014

A year later, I still miss my ex

Dear Heart to Heart, I was in a relationship with a pretty lady whom I discovered to be cheating on me. Recently, I received a phone call from the man she was seeing. I cut communication with her but I later realised that I was still in love with her. She was still seeing the man and she asked me to let her be. It is now a year ago but I have failed to get over her; I dream about her and see our future together. I know all this is a fallacy but I have tried to move on in vain. I have read a lot of literature on how to let go, listened to songs, met many prettier ladies but nothing has changed. My worry is that I am aging and considerable pressure is being mounted on me to marry. What am I supposed to do? In fact I had vowed not to relate again.
- Anonymous

Your solutions
Anonymous, everybody thinks their breakup is the most traumatic one ever – fact! But the truth of the matter is that break-ups always happen, and life goes on. One of the things that seems to be keeping you from moving on is holding onto false hope. Like most people, you are stuck in limbo with the idea that there might be a chance of getting back together with your ex. If you keep thinking about how badly you’ve been hurt, you will continue to hurt. But if you want to deal with this break-up quickly, stop feeling sorry for yourself and be determined and proactive in helping yourself get over her. Remember, all human beings are uniquely different. Being hurt by one doesn’t mean you will be hurt by the next one you meet.

Penny

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Dear Anonymous, one year is not enough to recover from a heartbreak. If you have not yet let go, you need to work harder on letting her go. She cheated on you and she asked you to leave her alone, if you don’t accept this, you will never be able to find your true love. Don’t be pressured to marry because you are aging. Why hurry to marry and remain miserable and sad all your fruitful life? You deserve better.
Diana

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Hey buddy, I will start by blaming you for letting go because you discovered that your girlfriend has another man. Real men don’t let go, they fight on. Then, you can never have authority over your girlfriend, she is not your wife and so she still has room to do anything. So she was not cheating on you - cheating is for married people, she was just weighing you with others. I know it is difficult to close some relationships, others are just even impossible to stop but given the circumstances, we always have to stop them. If this lady asked you to let her be, you should. It’s past a year and she is not communicating, and yet she was the one in wrong, meaning she has no regrets about your breakup. I suspect the reason that man called you is because you have been calling her, so he wants to stop you. And if you have been calling, it means you have not given yourself enough time to forget her.
Sufie

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Dear Anonymous, never marry because you are being pressured, because you will be the one to endure the effects of such a marriage. You have not mentioned how old you are but you stated your worry of aging.
Age is just a number, so take time to choose the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life with. You did not disclose what the other man said to you or even what you both talked about when he called you – this could be important in giving us a bigger picture of your girl and him. She asked you to let her be and even showed you signs that she is with another person.
Leave that lady and move on with your life. There are lots of women who would appreciate and love you back. A cheating partner is never marriage material, even when they are beautiful outside. Whatever you desire in her, another woman can give, or even much better. A year without her yet you dream and see the future? This could be your imagination because you don’t want to let her be. All that you say you have done to let go will not work until you change your mindset. If indeed you are prepared to let go, then erase all the things that might remind you of her. Good luck!
Pr. Allan

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I am disappointed in you, brother for two reasons. First, why are you hiding your name? This tells me you are good at running away from yourself and your problems.
Mr Anonymous, standing up to challenges is a step closer to being a man, a thing this girl didn’t find in you, but found in someone else. Unless you work on your confidence you won’t get her, or keep any other.
Secondly, you left that girl knowing it was the right thing to do; you were cheated on, heartbroken, and then you returned begging. You have no courage to see a brighter day. Open your eyes man and let go. There are lots of good girls waiting for you, and you are there playing second best. Work on your game. Don’t disappoint your father.
Mike

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Hi Anonymous, your relationship with that woman is a pipe dream. It will never happen. Candidly speaking, the earlier you believe she is not for you, the better. It is good you have tried to move on but you must not give up on forging a way forward. The best advice to you is to pick one of the many pretty girls you have seen around and convince yourself that she is better than your ‘dream’ girlfriend. If I told you to stick with her and hope she will change, that would be poor advice. She is too loose and you wouldn’t even trust your sons and brothers with her in future.
Innocent

Counsellor’s take: Nankunda H Mwijuka, Healing Talk Counseling Services

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Dear Anonymous, it is very unfortunate that the lady you love does not love you back. However, that is no reason to feel like nothing else in life matters. I do not know whether you are a Christian or not and whether you are prayerful. You should pray about all the pain you are feeling.

The worst part is that you are feeling all the pain and she is not feeling any for not having you in her life. Everything happens for a reason. First and foremost, accept that you cannot be together. Accept that ‘I loved her and she did not love me back.’ After that, pray about it and the woman meant for you will appear. I believe in God’s timing. If you are to get married, the person meant for you will appear and you will get married. Be thankful to God you did not get married to her and this might be for the good because it is a night mare living with someone you do not love until old age.

If you had gotten married to her, you would have to deal with her cheating on you in your marriage because she does not love you. If she was home with her parents, may be then you would try to get her back but she is with another man and she is happy. The most important thing is to close that chapter. Admit that the girl left and that it was not meant to be. Open your heart to someone else because love cannot be explained. It is just when you think you cannot love again that you fall in love again.

Compiled by Carol Nambowa

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Next week’s problem
Dear Heart to Heart, I am 34 years old, working in Kampala. I have a feeling my partner is not opening up to me. He lives in Kisoro but whenever I want to travel to see him, he has an excuse; he’s very busy or has travelled. We can take a year without seeing each other and yet he is poor at communicating. It is always me who calls first. When we agree on meeting, he doesn’t pick my calls when I’m set to travel. So I just cancel the trip. I love this man but I think he is not into me. No relative or friend knows about our four-year relationship. I’m confused. Should I let go? Please help me.
- Joan

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