Braving the blows for love

What you need to know:

  • Question to the men. What would you do if a man poured a drink in your woman’s face, then went ahead to hurl insults at her? How about if the man in question is taller than you, had a chest the size of a refrigerator, bulging biceps, a mean war veteran’s look, a long scary scar running across his left cheek, and held a cigarette at his fingertips?

Two weeks ago, at a certain make-shift bar on the outskirts of Kampala, I witnessed a man get up and fight for his woman!
I cannot tell you when the melee started. Usually, at my third bottle I tend to lose track of many things. But even in that state I was quick to recognise the splintering sound of a breaking bottle. Screams from a herd of scared girls followed, all running from an impending scuffle. I looked again and there they were; two men, one as big as ‘the Hulk’ and the other more of singer Mozey Radio’s twin.

The smaller man looked really angry, pointing fingers and holding a bottle in hand, threatening to hurl it at ‘the Hulk’. His woman stood behind him—scared, with alcohol dripping down her face into her cleavage.

“Why did you pour beer on her?” the small man kept asking, each time with a higher tone as if to show he would strike any minute. “You call her a prostitute!” he screamed with rage.

I knew he was bluffing. Only a fool would size-up to that mountain of a man. But before I could even complete that thought, he charged out.
It was a brief fight which lasted 40 seconds before the bouncers pulled the men apart. The small one had already suffered the damage though, his nose dripping with blood.

And while everyone uttered all insults at ‘the Hulk’ as he was being whisked away by security, my eyes remained glued to the small guy. He held his woman in one hand as they made a slow procession for the exit. With more blood dripping, I felt sorry for him. Foolish move, I thought. But then I looked at his woman and saw the pride in her eyes and for a second, I reconsidered.

“His woman will never be more proud of him.” A woman seated next to me said, and just as I turned around to look at her she added with a confirmatory smile, “Brave man!” I nodded, confused.

Fighter or protector?
Normally, as men have always been briefed, fighting should simply be off the cards. As they say, no woman wants a fighter. So one wonders, why did the little man walk away as a hero in the female court of opinion?

“He was not just fighting but protecting his woman,” a female friend I shared the story with said. “Yes, men should not fight but sometimes circumstances dictate fighting as the right course of action.”

Jessica Kembabazi also believes a man should do whatever it takes to always protect his wife or girlfriend. “That is a man’s duty. What kind of man would stand by and watch his woman being disrespected?”

That is totally understandable, however, one wonders whether the woman would be disappointed if her man opted to choose a non-violent way of dealing with the situation? What if he chose to grab her hand and just get her out of there, wouldn’t that have been better?

“No, it wouldn’t,” Claire Zalwango, 26, says, adding: “That is no way to show you care. If the other man had perhaps simply insulted her, walking her out would be fine. But he poured a drink on her and that was extreme.”

A case of protecting your partner
The scene of two men sizing up over a woman may be relegated to just a usual bar fight. But for Polly Nuwagaba, a counselling psychologist at Family 101 Uganda, this should stir a bigger debate, one on how far one should go to protect their partner.

“For this particular case, the threat was physical and perhaps that is why the gentleman chose physical means to put off the threat. Many times, however, our partners end up in other predicaments beyond the physical,” Nuwagaba says.
He points at emotional, financial and sometimes verbal attacks from close parties as some of the threats your partner could end up in, and emphasises that it is your duty as the husband, girlfriend or wife to stand up for them.

“Even wrapped within church vows is a statement that says ‘to protect.’ That calls for us to protect our partners whenever they are under attack. It could be mean words from friends or family, a lawsuit that wrongfully accuses them or even a physical attack from a stranger.”

However, just like Nuwagaba, Norah Tukamushaba, a relationship coach at We Care International in Namasuba, believes that our duty to protect our partners should not tie us up on the wrong side. “Make sure your partner is acting right and is not actually responsible for all the trouble coming their way before you go all out to protect them. For instance, if your woman is the one throwing drinks around and inviting the attacks herself, do not go out fighting other people. Instead, talk to her.”

The same caution goes for cases where family or friends have ganged up against your partner. “Always get both sides of the story before you go all out on his or her defence, after all, making sure your partner is kept in check is one way of protecting them.”

Fighting for love
All relationships, at the very least, take work. Fighting for love doesn’t always mean fighting off other suitors or making incredible sacrifices in the name of love. Often, it’s simply making sure to make that extra effort, week in and week out, for the rest of your lives together. It’s not a glorious battle, but it is one fought over a lifetime. And as far as wars go, a lifetime is a long time. In life, it’s only the things we believe worth fighting for that are important to us. Fighting may be animalistic in nature, but we are animals after all.